:: the nearness of God ::

:: from Chesterton ::

2009-11-28T14:34:00.001-05:00

[Children] always say, "Do it again"; and the the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again" to the sun; and every evening, "Do it again" to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that he has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we. G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy, 60

:: old times ::

2009-11-16T14:52:00.001-05:00

"I've been so tired, but my heart's been on fire.
Too lazy to stoke it or put it out,
just watched me burn."

February 20, 2009

:: identity ::

2009-11-07T17:40:00.001-05:00

a fusion, perfect blending ... a mixing
I'm waiting for integration
hoping to find my walls breaking down;
to arrive ...

but I am lost. who do I kid?
I am working so hard to prove myself to you:
when you are not asking me for proof.

I walk into a BMV to get a license ... then stand
fumbling for a license in my purse to identify myself
but that's why I'm here in the first place
I need identification
and cannot prove myself to you ...
You must prove me to me ... then to the world
for I do not know who I am.

(July 15th, 2008)

:: Poem ::

2009-10-24T05:31:00.002-05:00

If the window to your soul is really open, deep and wide,
then you won't mind Me looking in, you'll let Me seek and find
You'll let me probe around a while,
You'll give me room to breath;
You'll let me settle in somewhere
you'll let me come and live

I only take what you will give.
I only come when you're open;
I only destroy so that I can rebuild.
I can only fix what is broken.

copyright 2009 Kara Tindor

:: go ahead, get lost. ::

2009-10-07T05:57:00.002-05:00

Imagine with me, for just a moment, that the human being was capable of being successfully self-sufficient on this earth (we have to imagine it, because it really is impossible. If you don't believe me...then you're not going to get anything out of this).

Ok. Get this picture in your mind of people who can "do it" themselves. They can find happiness in the pursuit fame, fortune, and money. They can, on their own, have a stable life and love people deeply. They can work hard, be kind, be "good" (quotes there because, as Jesus says, "who is good but God?") people, raise children to be productive members of society, etc., and add to that list whatever you deem necessary to say that a person has had a successful life. The clincher to this is that you must imagine that people can do this on their own, apart from life with God; they don't need drugs, they don't need others, they don't need alcohol, they certainly don't need a god, religion, rules, or even society to keep them straight. They are completely self-made.

Got it? Good. Imagine that person dying, never having had communion with God on this earth, never having "needed" God because he/she was self-sufficient, and now facing the God of the universe to give an account for their life. What will they have to say? Will their earthly self-sufficiency warrant any reward in the kingdom? Will they really have gained anything? If they did not "need," then they never would have believed in a need for salvation, and subsequently, they never would have believed in Christ. So at this point, our imaginary friend is coming to realize that, for all their self-sufficiency, salvation is one thing they couldn't provide for themselves, and now it's too late.

Ok. You can exit your hypothetical, imaginary situation. I think this is part of Jesus' point when He challenges us with: "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?" (Matthew 16.26) Because in the end, that man has gained nothing. What he thought was of value is actually of no value in the truest reality, the kingdom of God. "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." (Matthew 16.24-25) The principle here is that those who preoccupy themselves with 'saving' their lives (providing for themselves, accumulating for themselves, establishing themselves, etc.) are actually throwing their true lives to the wind, but that the smart people are the people who get lost.

Very counter-intuitive. I, the prideful, self-sufficient-wanna-be that I am, HATE to be lost. It gives rise to this feeling of inner, urgent panic and it must be satiated with being "found" as quickly as possible. If it's that bad in the geographical sense of being lost, how much more strange does it sound when Jesus tells us that we must lose our lives before Him, in the spiritual sense? That we have to stop trying to "make it" on our own, apart from Him. That we must stop striving, and trust Him. That we must have the most simple faith ... faith like a child.

You see, in all of our supposed self-sufficiency, and with all of the value that our society places on being self-made and stable, and thinking of all of the praise we give to those who are able to "accomplish" this in their lives: we're doing ourselves no favor by believing this lie. We're doing the world a disservice by celebrating the "whitewashed tombstones" of people (or ourselves) who seem to have it all together in life.

NOT POSSIBLE. You can't have it all together in life. No one does. No one ever has, except Jesus. So stop trying. Go ahead, get lost.

:: exactly ::

2009-08-26T07:01:00.002-05:00

How many credit hours does it take to graduate from Ohio State with a Bachelor's degree?

191.

In all of my college career I've taken these random classes; fencing, choir, design...in my mind it was just for fun. I enjoyed them all to a certain extent, although fencing got really dull.

I found out yesterday, through a series of events far above my control (of which I will post in the future) that none of those credits were wasted. I needed every single one, so that at the end of December I will be done with coursework at OSU and be able to do some experiential stuff abroad, apart from the university.

If I hadn't taken fencing.....this couldn't be happening.
If I hadn't taken choir for 4 quarters, this couldn't be happening.
If I hadn't listened to that still small voice and took Design 797...the most random class ever which also set me up for the craziest job ever.....none of this could be happening.

What I hear Him saying is: it's not wasted. Every one of those classes was in His hand to bring me to today, where I can tell you that He is working visibly now, and I am stunned. Indeed He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Don't sweat the small stuff -- who knows what bigger story it's a part of?

::believe::

2009-04-24T06:18:00.001-05:00

"...the hand of the Lord is not so short that it cannot save,"
(Isaiah 59.1)

nor the heart of the Lord so deeply dark that His substance He would change.

::one day::

2009-04-06T21:18:00.004-05:00

Un día de Abril, mientras de andaba en campus, las flores (tulipanes, mis favoritas) estaban floreciendo. Es normal, claro, que flores florezcan en la primavera, pero este día lo fue extraño, raro, y increíble. ¿Porqué? Por que mientras de ellas florecían, hacía nieve. Sí lo digo, nevaba y ellas florecían. Cómo, yo quiero saber, ¿pueden ser estas cosas?

Aqui estoy en Ohio, que sí, tiene lo más raro de tiempo en los estados que conozco, pero todavía es super-extraño a ver nieve y flores a la misma vez. Super-raro, super-extraño...y en una mano, no lo me gusta.

Pero en el otro lado, puedo gozar de la nieve y de las flores. Puedo esperar para la salida del frío y anticipar las colores que traerá el sol cuando lo venga. Ayer, hoy día, y mañana están días de especiales oportunidades: no es todos los días que uno se pueda ver una yuxtaposición tan clara.

Yo subo las escaleras del sótano (dónde tengo clase por las mañanas) y veo a la nieve. Voy afuera, ando atrás campus, y veo flores. Mi nariz está muy fría. Quiero que la nieve vaya y nunca vuelva. Pero sonrío: todo está calma, todo lleno de paz, mi ánimo feliz de ser bastante tranquila. No importa la nieve, ella saldrá. Y las flores, vendrán, y saldrán también. Qué importa es más profunda que flores y tiempo. Es el día. En todo que la futura tenga, mal o bueno, loco o calmo, que importa lo mas es como vivía durante mis días en la tierra.

¿Cómo voy a vivir en la nieve, rodeado por flores?

::happiness is...::

2009-03-12T10:51:00.002-05:00

Happiness is the end of the quarter.
It's wrapping up projects,
Evaluating professors,
and leaving classrooms for (hopefully) the last time.

Happiness is saying goodbye to group members.
Not because we didn't like each other,
but because the memory of the other
brings memories of the stress of the project,
and it's just nice to be done.

Happiness is cold weather that you won't have to walk through much longer.
Happiness is waking up without the stress of being on time to a class.
Happiness is just not having to think about homework.

Happiness....

is short lived.
I aim to enjoy it.

::return to morbidity::

2009-02-18T11:07:00.002-05:00

I'm re-reading through some old journal entries this morning. They are simultaneously encouraging and destructive: destructive in that they challenge my current mode of thought and are pulling up some hideous weeds from my soul, weeds that I was trying to call flowers. Do you ever do this? I do...I have weeds and I try to convince myself that they are flowers so that I won't have to call the Landscaper to come in and clean me up. Silly me, they're obviously thorny and full of thistles, and they are choking the good flowers. Anyways, that's not the thought for the morning.

Before DTS I got stuck on this "morbid" idea, but a very biblical one, and that is that we are both living (in Christ) and dying (to ourselves) every day. In the last months of 2006 I wrote numerous poems declaring that for me, going to DTS was a form of dying because my life here in Ohio would be dead and I would be re-born in California. Obviously, Christ calls us to come and die day by day to sin, to our flesh, and to the world, and to be alive to Christ. But this theme of death hasn't been at the forefront of my mind for a long time.

In my journal from 2007 post-DTS, I'm reading from the entries corresponding to my silent retreat of that year. Some lines that are striking to me:

"if I am not willing to die, I cannot live. And if I cannot live, I must die."

"But for now, I am young. I am growing always upward first, and must learn responsibility over lenght of days. For how you spend your days is, of course, how you spend your life."

"My experiences must be tested and prove to remain true through death before they can be used to give life. I cannot give what I do not have."

The fact of the matter is: we are called to die. This world is NOT our home, far be it from us to live as though it is all we are expecting to receive from the Lord. There is too much at stake for me to be wrapped and wound so tightly into what is happening around me, as far as I can see. I'm kind of short...God can see way farther than I can.

May I submit my sight always to the See-er...and may we be part of His people described in Revelation 14.1-5:

"Then I looked, and behold, the Lamb was standing on Mount zion, and with Him one hundred and forty-four thousand, having His name and the name of His Father written on their foreheads. And I heard a voice from heaven, like the sound of many waters and like the sound of loud thunder, and the voice which I heard was like the sound of harpists playing on their harps. And they sang a new song before the throne and before the four living creatures and the elders; and no one could learn the song except the one hundred and forty-four thousand who had been purchased from the earth. These are the ones who have not been defiled with women, for they have kept themselves chaste. These are the ones who follow the Lamb wherever He goes. These have been purchased from among men as first fruits to God and to the lamb. And no lie was found in their mouth; they are blameless."

::psalm 116::

2009-02-09T07:55:00.002-05:00

Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For You have rescued my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. I shall walk before the Lord in the land of the living. I believed when I said, "I am greatly afflicted" ... O Lord, surely I am Your servant, I am Your servant, the son of Your handmaid, You have loosed my bonds.
(Psalm 116.7-10, 16)

Rescue. What a beautiful concept, that of being rescued. The thing about rescue though, is that before you can be rescued, you have to need to be rescued. That is to say, you have to be in a position where rescue is your only option left. You have to already be in a position of neediness, affliction, captivity, suffering, etc. before rescue will make a difference.

For the psalmist, his soul was in death, his eyes were shedding ears, and his feet had already stumbled. It was there, in the dark place of affliction (and, possibly, the dark place of disobedience) that the Lord rescued him. But it's not that he never experienced the pain and sorrow of needing to be rescued, on the contrary; he could now appreciate more fully the rescue plan of the Lord because he actually needed to be rescued.

I avoid needing to be rescued. I don't like that feeling of utter helplessness, of knowing that unless God comes through in a big way I will be completely disheveled. But what if it's there that God's rescue is most glorious, what if I need to be in a position of needing rescue before I can experience and really appreciate the rescue?

::psalm 111::

2009-02-08T14:47:00.003-05:00

"Praise the Lord! I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart, in the company of the upright and in the assembly. Great are the works of the Lord; they are studied by all who delight in them. Splendid and majestic is His work, and His righteousness endures forever. He has made His wonders to be remembered; the Lord is gracious and compassionate.

He has given food to those who fear Him; He will remember His covenant forever.

He has made known to His people the power of his works, in giving them the heritage of the nations. The works of his hands are truth and justice; all His precepts are sure. They are upheld forever and ever; they are performed in truth and uprightness. He has sent redemption to His people; He has ordained His covenant forever; Holy and awesome is His name. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; a good understanding have all those who do His commandments; His praise endures forever."

I read this Psalm last week, after having read a middle section of scripture from John chapter 6. In verses 48-58 Jesus repeatedly refers to Himself either as food or drink, and I was struck when I read this Psalm that it is a type of prophecy about Christ. Read these words from John:

"Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes has eternal life. I am the bread of life. Your fathers at the manna in the wilderness, and they died. This is the bread which comes down out of heaven so that one may eat of it and not die. I am the living bread that came down out of heaven; if anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever; and the bread also which I will give for the life of the world is My flesh." (John 6.47-51)

When I read Psalm 111 a few days later, immediately my mind connected these two passages of scripture. Obviously, the Psalmist was talking about how the Lord provided the physical food for those who fear Him; that God literally was their provider of food to eat. Which is still true, in every sense, because everything we have comes from Him and that includes food. But what I was thinking, is that in a much deeper sense of the word, God provided food for us (for all generations) in Jesus: the spiritual food that we crave and that which alone will satisfy us. So, the psalmist, thousands of years before Christ, refers to this active generosity of the Lord to provide food for those who believe in Him, and now we see that the true food that God gives is in fact our good Savior, Jesus.

It amazed me this week to consider the original intent and time period of the psalmist, and then to see how Christ spoke of Himself and in doing so, fulfilled that verse. Cool stuff!

More to come from the Psalms, they are rocking my world.

::the quarter::

2009-02-04T13:46:00.003-05:00

Here we are! It is Wednesday, February 4th, 2009. I am in the middle of the middle week of classes...my madre figured it out last week and I am 1/8th of the way finished with the rest of my college career. That's pretty exciting stuff! Also new this week, I learned that I am indeed in my last GEC (general education curriculum) course this quarter, and that after Winter Quarter is over, I will have 35 hours left to fill (which will be easy to fill with my major classes). And next week I get to schedule for Spring Quarter!

In general, I am very much enjoying this quarter. It is keeping me SO busy, there is a ton of reading for both my Linguistics and Spanish 560 class. When my friends call me and ask what I'm doing, I usually have them guess, and they normally get it right: "I'm reading."

But it's good for me to have to sort through (in my brain and heart) what is most important, and to devote first attention to those things before doing other things. I won't say that I'm really good at it, but it's a good challenge.

The Lord is really challenging me a lot to trust Him. It's been a really cool work that I can see notably, in that He is giving me direct opportunities to let go of my plans, fears, pre-conceived notions, and the ideals that I held that were not biblical; to let these all go and instead trust Him to lead me. I don't understand His ways, and this is something that is new because normally I can rationalize my way through to understanding at least a little of why He is doing what He is doing. But not this time. I just don't get Him! But, I love Him. And this journey is really fun....oddly enough I am coming to enjoy the occasional chaos.

You know those times when you are walking through something tough, but as much as you don't like the uncomfortable-ness, you really grow to cherish the work of the Lord in your heart? That's where I'm at. It's good. Not easy, but so good.

These are my random thoughts for the day. I hope all is well in your hearts and souls.

~k

::fear::

2009-02-01T17:37:00.003-05:00

fear is debilitating
hold on, it's worth saying
i am strongly bound by all these things i fear

You say risks worth taking
are part of the kingdom's making
and though i fear, it should not be

how do i let go?
how do i give up?
are there words to say to make this better?
how do i look up
and let myself trust
how can pain be good at all?

responsibility brings
a certain level threat
that i've come to really dread
there's constant trembling

what if i try and fail?
what if i am no good?
it's these lies and more
that interrupt

how do i let go?
how do i give up?
are there words to say to make this better?
how do i look up
and let myself trust
how can pain be good at all?

--kara tindor 1.10.2009--

updates!

2008-12-19T16:14:00.003-05:00

For those brave, stalwart few who still read this: here are the promised updates.

Finished school last Wednesday, by the complete Grace of God I got all 'A's this quarter! I certainly did not deserve them all, so I am astounded and quite happy. The quarter ended well and I am just really happy to be done and have a few weeks off.

The quarter actually ended on my 22nd birthday, and to celebrate, I got some ink done. Yup!

Yes, folks, that's real, and it's really on my finger. Ok, so....background:

Isaiah 44.5: "This one will say, 'I am the Lord's; and that one will call on the name of Jacob; and another will write on his hand, 'Belonging to the Lord,' and will name Israel's name with honor."

This verse captured my heart years ago, and I began to think that it would be really cool to have a tattoo to that effect on my hand. Off and on I've contemplated this type of tattoo, never knowing what exactly the wording would be, but knowing the meaning behind it.
This fall my pastor did a series on marriage and during one of the sermons we read Hosea 2.16:
"It will come about in that day," declares the Lord, that you will call Me Ishi (my husband) and will no longer call Me Baali (my master)."

I read that and was floored by God's beautiful love-offer to His people, and I knew then that if I were to ever get a tattoo on my hand it would be to have "Ishi" put on my ring finger, signifying that before any man puts a ring on my finger, before I 'belong' to a man on this earth, I belong to The Lord. At this point, I still had no plans to actually do it.

As the quarter progressed, something stirred in my spirit and I knew that it was time to actually get the tattoo. I felt very strongly that it was something I needed to do before I got married or even started a relationship with anyone, and somehow the day of my birthday just felt right. So, my cute little mentor, Kathy, went with me to a tattoo parlor and I got it done. It was so cool, almost like a worship experience! I love it. Every day I wake up and see it, and it's just awesome...definitely perfect timing.

I did it for personal reasons, very much to symbolize what God has done in capturing my heart forever. In a small way, I wanted to "bear in my body the marks of Jesus Christ". I had no idea what kind of doors it would open for conversation, it's not THAT noticeable but people at work have definitely been asking and multiple times I have had the opportunity to share the story of God's love for His people! It's really humbling and I fear that I do not tell the story well, I am praying that God will give me grace to express clearly what is on His heart through the ink on my skin.

In other news, next quarter I have scheduled to take all my classes in the mornings and afternoons, thus making it impossible for me to continue working the job that I have loved for the past 17 months. About 6 weeks ago I told my boss and the managers of the practice that I needed to resign the records position. God blew me away with His provision and faithfulness in that the managers accepted my resignation from records, but asked if I would stay on in some Casual capacity, working when it works around my schedule. I prayed about it and thought about it, and happily accepted. I am so blessed that I don't have to leave completely! I have grown so fond of these wonderful people and am already sad enough that I won't be seeing them every day. As the my time in records draws to a close I get more and more sad about this change, almost to the point of reconsidering! But I do believe that the Lord will use this for His purposes, either within my heart or in my life.

Hopefully, working less will enable me to focus on getting through my senior year at OSU well, and learning all of the things I need to learn. I get to take a Portuguese class next quarter, and I think 3 Spanish classes (either 3 Spanish, or 2 Spanish and 1 Linguistics). It will be busy, but I fully expect to enjoy it. God has been really faithful and I trust that He will continue to lead and guide my steps.

That's the December update, of course little things are always changing but I won't bore you with all of those details. I hope that you all will have a blessed Christmas and really enjoy your families!

Love and peace, to you from the Lord Jesus Christ.

Kara

Psalm 68.19: "Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, the God who is our salvation."

::hap::

2008-11-16T17:50:00.003-05:00

" Hap"

If but some vengeful god would call to me

From up the sky, and laugh: “Thou suffering thing,

Know that thy sorrow is my ecstasy,

That they love’s loss is my hate’s profiting!”

Then would I bear it, clench myself, and die,

Steeled by the sense of ire unmerited;

Half-eased in that a Powerfuller than I

Had willed and meted me the tears I shed.

But not so. How arrives it joy lies slain,

And why unblooms the best hope ever sown?

-Crass Casualty obstructs the sun and rain,

And dicing Time for gladness casts a moan…

These purblind Doomsters had as readily strown

Blisses about my pilgrimage as pain.

Thomas Hardy 1898

i think that Hardy is onto something. This is yet another of the poems i must read to complete the well-rounding of my person-hood at the University. Delightfully, it's quite good!

so many times it would be easier to go through life blaming a vicious god, a god who did not care about us or want good things for us . . . it would make sense of why things in our lives turn out so dreadfully sometimes and that way it would not be our fault. As Hardy writes, we could "bear it, clench" ourselves, "and die." We could feel slighted by the "ire unmerited" that the gods had rained down on us; and though our lives were terrible, we could live "half-eased," feeling justified for our anger.

but that god does not exist. No indeed, there is not a "change" that brings us to our fates or has an evil hand in our undoing. if our lives are miserable, it is on account of sin (either that of our own, or its presence around us), and there is a loving God who does not play with us as toys. This knowledge makes it harder to go through life because we have no one to blame for our sorrows, but it makes it easier simultaneously because we have a Good God more powerful than we are, who does not destroy us for destruction's sake.

if He tears down, He will reconstruct.

if He breaks, He will mend.

if He kills, He will resurrect.

do the cross, believers. He will ALWAYS do the resurrection.

~ peace to you ~

::go to sleep, dear::

2008-11-14T20:10:00.002-05:00

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake." - Victor Hugo

::shall we become abominable snowmen?::

2008-11-12T07:58:00.002-05:00

You must admit, he's cute.

Proverbs 29.27 writes
An unjust man is abominable to the righteous, and he who is upright in the way is abominable to the wicked.

Matthew 13.43:
Then the righteous will shine forth as the sun in the kingdom of their Father. He who has ears, let him hear.

Psalm 34.5:
They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces will never be ashamed.

When I read Proverbs 29 this morning and reached the end, where the word "abominable" is used twice in such short order, it made me laugh because I hardly use the word, except in reference to the snowman. But we live in a kingdom of darkness, and we are light-bearers, and darkness hates light. If we walk in righteousness we will shine into the darkness, and though the darkness tries to overcome it, it is unable (see John 1 -- Jesus, the original light, conquered the darkness and gives us the same light that He had!). In reality, darkness wars against light, and does everything in its power to snuff out and light that comes its way.

Jesus is intense light. He is the light that has come into the world to shine through the darkness and change everything. He reaches out, snatches darkened lives, and illuminates them in His beautiful way. Then they are made radiant, and pure-white, a spotless bride. Purity, that hurts the eyes...the purity of Jesus.

For Christians, we are in the world, but not of the world. We are made of the same darkness, but God's light has broken through. In reality, we should not be able to help being light in the midst of darkness, it should be natural and unstoppable. And if the light is encroaching on the darkness around us ... will we not be abominable to those around us, as the Proverb says?

Shall we not become abominable snowmen?

::a midterm, 4 full weeks, and Immersion::

2008-11-09T21:44:00.002-05:00

Well, hello there. Fancy meeting you here ... now ...

It is week 7 already at the University. I can hardly believe that 6 full weeks have gone by! Tomorrow is my last 'midterm' of the quarter, although it's week 7 so it doesn't quite feel like a midterm because it's after the middle of the term. But, to each professor his/her own, right?

Four weeks, four full weeks left, then a half week for finals. Pretty soon there will be new developments as to life next quarter, but right now "mum's the word" ... I have to wait until things are finalized to broadcast them.

This brings us to the last section of this short post, Immersion. Now, you may think that I am making reference to some language learning school or class, since I am a Spanish Major. As fitting as that would be, it's not the case. No, twice in the past two weeks my pastor has talked about this intercessory prayer conference he attended at which an African pastor spoke. He talked about the importance of being in the word, as a discipline, and that they encouraged their people to be reading 30 chapters a day. A day! Sometimes I read four . . . but 30? That's a lot! And this pastor also said that they encouraged their youth to at least read 10 if they couldn't get to 30. This kind of immersion in the word can only mean good things. I'd have to abandon my love of the TV to actually DO Homework to actually HAVE time to read 30 chapters a day.

Maybe I'll try it this week, TV's not that great anyways, right?

Care to join me?

::a scene from the venerable Mr. Dickens::

2008-10-19T16:28:00.002-05:00

“First, Sissy, do you know what I am? I am so proud and so hardened, so confused and troubled, so resentful and unjust to everyone and to myself, that everything is stormy, dark, and wicked to me. Does that not repel you?”

“No!”

“I am so unhappy, and all that should have made me otherwise is so laid waste, that if I had been bereft of sense to this hour, and instead of being as learned as you think me had to begin to acquire the simplest truths, I could not want a guide to peace, contentment, hounour, all the good of which I am quite devoid, more abjectly than I do. Does that not repel you?”

“No!”

In the innocence of her brave affection, and the brimming up of her old devoted spirit, the once deserted girl shone like a beautiful light upon the darkness of the other.

Louisa raised the hand that it might clasp her neck and join its fellow there. She fell upon her knees, and, clinging to this stroller’s child, looked up at her almost with veneration.

“Forgive me, pity me, help me! Have compassion on my great need, and let me lay this head of mine upon a loving heart!”

“Oh lay it here!” cried Sissy. “Lay it here, my dear.”

--From Hard Times

I am reading through hard times for the sake of my British Literature class. At first I was a tad miffed at Dickens for being so incredibly wordy, but by and by this story had made its way into my heart; lo and behold it contains a picture of Christ to me!
In this scene (for those of you unfamiliar with the book) are Louisa (Gradgrind) Bounderby and Sissy (no last name). Louisa has been bred to be one of imminent pride in her independence, hardness, and perpetual ability to settle with the facts and avoid feelings of all kinds. Sissy, growing up with a father in the circus who abandoned her at a young age, had been taken in by the Gradgrind family while Louisa was still living in the house. Louisa resented Sissy's ability to bear away from the facts into soft feelings, because she seemed never able to enter into the emotion of life as Sissy could. Sissy, the picture of innocence (although ignorance as well) never stooped to repay Louisa with anything of the kind, and even states earlier in the scene that she had "always loved" Louisa, and "have always wished that" she "should know it."
Louisa, in her darkest hour after a confession to her father of being horrendously unhappy in the way he has raised her, and even being tempted to adultery against her husband (Mr. Bounderby) by a charming young newcomer, is stopped at the old home of her youth, with the kindhearted Sissy to care for her. But before Louisa will allow her into her heart, she makes the confessions above.
I feel that we, when coming to Christ, must first acknowledge to ourselves and to him, the kinds of things that Louisa admits to Sissy. That we are proud, and so hardened, and so confused and troubled, so resentful and unjust to everyone to to ourselves. That everything is stormy, dark, and wicked to us. I see us turning to Christ hesitantly and asking: "Does that not repel you?"

He says "No!"

Liberated from our first set of chains, we are strengthened to continue, for the sake of total freedom in front of our Lord; the one who has come to comfort us MUST know all our troubles before His help will be of effect. We go on: we are so unhappy, and everything happy to us is laid waste, devoid of all good, peace, contentment, and honor....does that not repel You, Jesus?

He says a resounding and sincere "No!"

Jesus, with brave affection, and a devoted spirit brimming up within Him, once deserted by us, now shines: the beautiful light upon the darkness of our otherness.

Finally, seeing the purity of Christ's love, we can fall to our knees and cry out:

"Forgive me, pity me, help me! Have compassion on my great need, and let me lay this head of mind upon a loving heart!"

And how does Jesus respond?

"OH LAY IT HERE!" he cries. "Lay it here, my dear."

Isn't He lovely?

::Manfred::

2008-10-11T09:23:00.004-05:00

"Look on me! there is an order
of mortals on the earth, who do become
Old in their youth, and die ere middle age,
Without the violence of warlike death;
Some perishing of pleasure, some of study,
Some worn with toil, some of mere weariness,
Some of disease, and some insanity,
And some of wither'd or of broken hearts;
For this last is a malady which slays
More than are number'd in the lists of Fate,
Taking all shapes and bearing many names.
Look upon me! for even of all these things
Have I partaken; and of all these things,
One were enough; then wonder not that I
Am what I am, but that I ever was,
Or having been, that I am still on earth." (Lines 138-154)

The way of life seems to be to grow up fast but die before maturity can be useful, dying without meaning. Where is the passion of life that drives people to true life? So that one might die, not of the pleasure or the 'mere weariness' Byron speaks of, but die in the moment life fully lived? Then we would not so much wonder at people's dull lives and ponder existence, but might appreciate the depth of true life.

"We are all the fools of time and terror: Days
Steal on us and steal from us; yet we live,
Loathing our life, and dreading still to die. x
In all the days of this detested yoke --
This vital weight upon the struggling heart,
Which sinks with sorrow, or beats quick with pain,
or joy that ends in agony or faintness --
in all the days of past and future, for
in life there is no present, we can number
How few, how less than few, wherein the soul
Forbears to pant for death, and yet draws back
As from a stream in winter, though the chill
Be but a moment's. " (Lines 164-177)

This is well stated - days keep sneaking up on us and overtaking us; and they take from us energy, passion, and excitement, yet though bitter towards life we live on, and will not do otherwise, fearing to die. Some days we think it might be easier to die so as to be finished with "the troubles of the world," certainly for Christians we have hope to go "home to live with God, but something keeps us living.

All of Manfred that I have read (which is only some excerpts), lends to the discussion of the meaning of life. Manfred seems to feel that he has reached a spiritual plane that most do not attain to in life, and it gives him a mystic power by which to summon spirits and get his way, and eventually, to choose the moment of his death. It's very interesting, and beautifully written by Byron. It's making me think about the cynicism on life we hear so frequently, yet those that seem to despise their existence would never think to end it with suicide, most likely due to fear. I'm not advising that people sick of life should kill themselves, that's a horrible idea: but it's the same sentiment as those uninformed voters or citizens who don't vote at all yet still gripe about the way the country is run ... if you're not doing your part to make something better, do you really have room to complain about how bad it is?

I don't think so. The same with life: if you are not actively working to make your life BETTER, what gives you the right to complain about how poorly it is going? Because things don't just happen to you, leaving you as a victim in this traumatic experience of living: we all have been given power over our own lives to choose our course. So I would venture to say that if your life is despicable too you, you're probably not free from blame. Do you hate your job? Find another one. Or change your attitude. Did you know that you can improve your mental happiness by some ridiculously high percentage if you train yourself to think positively? But that's not all ... I think the whole thing is summed up in Christ, that even if you have been the victim of something that makes life awful, in Jesus there is freedom from guilt, healing from abuse and trauma, and power for changing and moving on.

Wouldn't it be a legacy of faith to die at the apex of life? That no matter how long you live, your life keeps getting better than it was before, always deeper into the Life of God, culminating in death and eternity with God?

If you're hopeless, consider this: you don't have to be. The quality of your life (starting spiritually, then working out to every area of life) is in your hands.

do it all, or nothing at all.

:: with my whole heart ::

2008-10-08T15:41:00.002-05:00

The phrase of the season. The call of the Lover. The challenge of the beloved.

This has been a phrase heavy on my heart for a few weeks now, ever since Lindz and I did another silent retreat in Hocking Hills. The sense is that for too long I've been half-assing this thing we call "Christianity", that I've been doing it, and maybe doing all the right things, but where has my heart been?

I'm in a British Lit class this quarter, and we just got done reading Wordsworth. In the middle of a horrifically long and seemingly-pointless poem (Tintern Abbey) there is a most beautiful phrase that captured my attention:

...more like a man flying from that which he dreads,
than one who sought the thing that he loved....

In thinking about these verses, I find that they apply to my walk with the Lord, and pretty much every facet of life. I have been running into Jesus because I dread the things that are chasing me....the sure-brokenness of a life without Christ, the pain of sin, the failure of leaving the faith. So I ran AWAY from those things, not really caring what I was running to except for the fact the it would save me. But the heart there is wrong, yes the direction is right, but the motivation is fear. That won't do, God has not given us a spirit of fear.
So I see that Wordsworth is right, the only way to run to Christ is to seek Him as that which I love with my whole heart, and to run to Him for His inherent beauty, not even caring what may or may not be behind me, scorning any loss, and trusting God to save me even when I do fail.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but I wanted to post about it while it was still fresh. Perhaps there is more to come. For now, homework!!!!! .....with my whole heart?

wouldn't it be cool....

2008-09-22T19:57:00.002-05:00

call me dreamer, call me foolish, call me whatever fits your view of me, it doesn't matter what you think of me, I AM has called me loved.

tell me stories, dream up 'wisdom', guide me strictly to your mission for me, i will end up into elsewhere, i will end up where HE IS.

look down on me if you want to, talk bad about me if you need to, I will run the way of His commandments and delight myself in Christ.

That's just the way it is.

~~~~~

Wouldn't it be cool ... to have a huge house and adopt a ton of kids who were abandoned, neglected, unloved, not provided for ... to show them the love of Christ through family and set them on their feet to move on?

Or wouldn't it be cool to foster kids, to catch kids at that rough stage around puberty where life is crazy uncertain even in good families, and to influence them in a positive direction toward Christ by loving them well?

Wouldn't it be cool to have that house be on a ton of land, to have other outbuildings and cottage-type places and open it up as a hospitality center, a place where people can come and rest, receive wisdom and experience the peace and love of God, and be refreshed by fellowship to go back into the world?

Wouldn't it be cool ... to teach in this home and this hospitality center things like music, art, *spanish (I'm just trying to find a way to fit this in, lol), bible, and other things ... that it would be a place where people (the adopted/fostered kids as well as guests) could experiment within themselves and find their giftings?

Wouldn't it be cool to take the money that the government gives foster families for the kids care and put it away in a savings account for that child, so that they have something to help them through college?

Wouldn't it be cool to have a place where random people could feel perfectly at home on holidays when they don't have family to go home to?

Wouldn't it be cool, since I have been blessed to know God as my home, to reach out and be a home to others?

To me ... these things would be SO COOL. In some fashion I hope to walk through all of these cool things during my life: God is totally big enough for dreams!

Joachim, from Germany, worked as a piano builder,
29 years old:

"To see girls who have been through so much trauma
and abuse now with good self-esteem and dreaming again
about the future is one of the most beautiful things
I've ever seen."

a new era - general update on life

2008-09-21T16:02:00.003-05:00

The small group I've belonged to for 3 years was also the fellowship group of my dear friend Sarah. Sarah and I have grown quite close in this past year especially, as God put us together when we each needed a Christ-following, female friend. Since we've become almost inseparable, people have taken to calling us "skara" (Sarah + Kara), and as much as we are each trying to follow God independently of each other, somehow at the end of this summer we both realized God was calling us out of this particular group a fellowship into something new.

Our last Tuesday with the Young Adult group was also the 'recognition' Tuesday for a set of new assistant leaders that Chris brought on, Mark and Tara. We all kind of laughed that with "Skara" leaving and Tara coming, it was a new "era" (-ara) in the life of the small group.

Play on words, I know. But I needed an opening story and I find it humorous.

Anyways, that is one season in life that has come to an end for me, the season being involved with that church. I've started going to my parents church in Lancaster, and am so enjoying the people and environment there, and waiting for God to show me how to get involved.

Also, school starts on Wednesday, which I'm really looking forward to. I'm taking Spanish 450 (my last pre-req!!!! praise God!), Hebrew 241 (not a language class, but a culture GEC), and English 202. Lord willing, this time next year I will be entering my last quarter of college.

This leads me to throw around options of how to do life for the next 15-16 months. Do I continue working where I've worked for over a year, a job that I love with people I'm quite fond of, where I've experienced God's favor in amazing ways? That would mean I continue to take only classes that fit my work schedule, vastly limiting my college experience. The other option is to find another job at the end of the year (a thought that is daunting, though a little exciting) that would let me work a few nights and Saturdays so that I could take morning classes? That would open up an entirely different world of options for my academic career, and it's what I'm leaning towards.

All of these new eras -- thinking about what to do post-graduation, thinking about how to spend time now, wanting to volunteer different places, meet new people, serve people in need, share the love of Christ: wanting to get out of myself and into the world and see what God does with me. I don't care if it's cleaning toilets or singing harmony, or teaching children, or smiling at strangers: I just want to be obedient, and to be useful.

This is a new era. All of this time since DTS has been quite introspective, trying to figure out what's still wrong with me that needs fixing, why my brain has been giving me grief, where God is leading me ... all very me-centered. God's bringing a new season into life, one I'm so thankful for! - I still don't know what it looks like but I'm stoked to move on.

So, in large part I wanted to write because I haven't written for some time, and there's a chance that someone still reads this (Sarah -- you don't count, you know me inside and out already!) ... if you're reading, hey! Welcome! And thanks. Shoot me an email and let me know how life is in your world....

in Christ,
Kara

I'm dyslexic.

2008-08-06T07:56:00.001-05:00

I’m dyslexic. I’m sure of it actually, well no that’s really a lie. But it feels like I am some days! The more I work with sets of 4 and 5 digit numbers (account numbers at work), having to write them after seeing them on a screen, or having to type them after looking at a piece of paper, the more it seems like I keep jumbling them up and just switching the numbers, always ending up at the wrong account. It’s so odd, because I’m a great reader and speller, so I know it’s not really true, but just today when I tried to access my blog I typed in psalm72-38, not 73-28. Simple switch, but there’s a world of a difference.

I probably do this with God too… you know, He gives me one set of information and I make one subtle substitution that maybe I don’t even notice, but then I end up at a completely different spot than I had expected. I’m left wondering, oh my, how did we get HERE?

Take quiet times, ‘por ejemplo’ (hehe, I’ll work in some Spanish yet!). Of late time has been shorter than I’d like, but I still try to spend some time in the word each day. But in all areas of life right now, although I have a strong sense that God is near, I do not feel Him break through into my day. I’ve had so many mountain top experiences that sometimes I feel entitled to them … but the presence of God is always a gift, never a duty. So I guess my question is, is this the positioning of the Lord to have me where I don’t feel Him (for His unknown to me glory), or is it a form of spiritual dyslexia? Am I just getting myself a tad jumbled trying to sort through everything, therefore leaving me just missing the direct connection? It’s like those annoying computer cords to devices, the ones where you don’t know which hole it goes into in the back so you just have to keep trying to find the perfect connection. I’m trying to plug myself in to Jesus with a solid connection, but all of the ports are either in use, temporarily broken, or untried.

None of the normal ports are working. I’ve been plugged in before, but the connection is bad right now, and sometimes I try to go wireless, but I wasn’t made with a wireless card, so that doesn’t work either. I know that here I am, the device, and there God is; the master computer, and that there is/are cord(s) that go from Him to me, me to Him. Either I don’t have the right cord, or I just haven’t found the right place to plug in.

I guess it’s not quite spiritual dyslexia, not in the way I explained it at least. But it’s where I’m at. I don’t like it one bit!!! Fortunately for me, God is far more committed to my ‘success’ than I am: “Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.” –1 Thessalonians 5.24
Thank God, He will come and fix my connection problems, in His good time.

From:The Confessions of Saint Augustine

2008-07-17T18:44:00.000-05:00

                          CHAPTER IV

    4.  What, therefore, is my God?  What, I ask, but the Lord
God?  "For who is Lord but the Lord himself, or who is God besides
our God?"[13]  Most high, most excellent, most potent, most
omnipotent; most merciful and most just; most secret and most
truly present; most beautiful and most strong; stable, yet not
supported; unchangeable, yet changing all things; never new, never
old; making all things new, yet bringing old age upon the proud,
and they know it not; always working, ever at rest; gathering, yet
needing nothing; sustaining, pervading, and protecting; creating,
nourishing, and developing; seeking, and yet possessing all
things.  Thou dost love, but without passion; art jealous, yet
free from care; dost repent without remorse; art angry, yet
remainest serene.  Thou changest thy ways, leaving thy plans
unchanged; thou recoverest what thou hast never really lost.  Thou
art never in need but still thou dost rejoice at thy gains; art
never greedy, yet demandest dividends.  Men pay more than is
required so that thou dost become a debtor; yet who can possess
anything at all which is not already thine?  Thou owest men
nothing, yet payest out to them as if in debt to thy creature, and
when thou dost cancel debts thou losest nothing thereby.  Yet, O
my God, my life, my holy Joy, what is this that I have said?  What
can any man say when he speaks of thee?  But woe to them that keep
silence -- since even those who say most are dumb.

(http://www.iclnet.org/pub/resources/text/ipb-e/epl-01/agcon-02.txt)

Precious.

2008-07-13T08:03:00.002-05:00

"You cannot show the preciousness of a person by being happy with his gifts. Ingratitude will certainly prove that the giver is not loved. But gratitude for gifts does not prove that the giver is precious. What proves that the giver is precious is the glad-hearted readiness to leave all his gifts to be with him. This is why suffering is so central in the mission of the church. The goal of our mission is that people form the nations worship the true God. But worship means cherishing the preciousness of God above all else, including life itself. It will be very hard to bring the nations to love God from a lifestyle that communicates a love of things. Therefore, God ordains in the lives of his messengers that suffering sever our bondage to the world. When joy and love survive this severing, we are fit to say to the nations with authenticity and power: hope in God."
-John Piper, Suffering and the Sovereignty of God, 109
(emphasis added)
"Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."
-Jesus, Matthew 5.11-12

What is precious? To you, personally; to me? What has highest value in our lives, what is our deepest longing, our determined goal? I examine my heart, and find ashamedly that Jesus is not precious to me. Not really, deep down, beautifully precious.

"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found and hid again; and from joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.
Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking fine pearls, and upon finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it."
-Jesus, Matthew 13.44-46

Worthy. Worth every sacrifice, worth complete surrender, worth it.

Sell-outs. Misfits. Counter-cultural. Not mainstream. Stupidly generous. Ridiculously joy-filled.

In love.

Isn't this what we should be called?

Prisoners. Persecuted. Hated. Despised.

Isn't this what we should be?

If Jesus is precious, if He and His kingdom have highest value in the universe, how does that change our hearts?

The Dance

2008-07-11T16:43:00.000-05:00

I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don’t jump up and shout, “Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!”
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiraling down into the ache within the ache,
and I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, every day.

Don’t tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
and see who I am in the stories I live.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don’t tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly okay with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving
those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance,
the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul’s desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs
you want our children’s children to remember.
And I will show you how I struggle not to change the world,
but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging.
Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words,
holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind,
dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale
of the breath that is breathing us all into being,
not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don’t say, “Yes!”
Just take my hand and dance with me.

The Call

2008-07-11T16:38:00.001-05:00

I have heard it all my life,
A voice calling a name I recognized as my own.

Sometimes it comes as a soft-bellied whisper.
Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency.

But always it says: Wake up my love. You are walking asleep.
There's no safety in that!

Remember what you are and let this knowing
take you home to the Beloved with every breath.

Hold tenderly who you are and let a deeper knowing
colour the shape of your humanness.

There is no where to go. What you are looking for is right here.
Open the fist clenched in wanting and see what you already hold in your hand.

There is no waiting for something to happen,
no point in the future to get to.
All you have ever longed for is here in this moment, right now.

You are wearing yourself out with all this searching.
Come home and rest.

How much longer can you live like this?
Your hungry spirit is gaunt, your heart stumbles. All this trying.
Give it up!

Let yourself be one of the God-mad,
faithful only to the Beauty you are.

Let the Lover pull you to your feet and hold you close,
dancing even when fear urges you to sit this one out.

Remember- there is one word you are here to say with your whole being.
When it finds you, give your life to it. Don't be tight-lipped and stingy.

Spend yourself completely on the saying.
Be one word in this great love poem we are writing together.

Thoughts on simplicity, from a book.

2008-06-28T07:33:00.001-05:00

These are not original, but I hope you enjoy anyways. :)

“When I imagine my own life simple and uncomplicated, I picture my room and desk tidy, everything in its place. I myself am moving gracefully and graciously from one task to the next with precision, on schedule but with no strain or pressure. The schedule and the tasks are perfectly synchronized. It could all be so simple, I say to myself, if everything were only in its place.

But it isn’t. It’s complicated. It’s complicated because people don’t stay in place. They aren’t predictable, they foul up my schedule, they interfere with my agenda, they make demands I hadn’t programmed. It’s complicated because there is too much to do, too many tasks, too many needs, too much going on. I can’t keep up with it all; I’m always at least a step or two behind. I can’t do everything that needs to be done; I feel burdened, sometimes even guilty, for being so limited. And I think maybe I’m doing it wrong, and if I could just figure out how to do it right I’d be able to meet everyone’s needs. It’s complicated because there’s never enough time. In my anxiety to conquer time by controlling its dispensation, I feel myself victimized by it. I am unable to find time, take time, get time: all control words.

Mostly what I find is frustration. My life is out of control I feel a need to be in control of my life and all the factors, situations, and people that complicate it. I set myself over-against them and need to dominate them, to subject them to my agenda, fit them into my program. I do have an agenda, and I don’t want it interrupted. i set up my day and I offer it to God.

But there’s something wrong in the picture. When I imagine - or when I experience - the simple way, everything moves in a rhythm. There is AN AGENDA, and I’m in tune with it, but it’s not my creation. I don’t need to worry about controlling; I don’t need to be anxious that it won’t all work out. I’m not in command and don’t need to be…the interruptions are as integral to the scene as anything I had planned. I only receive the day and the program that come to me during the day from God. And that’s what makes the difference.” (Elaine Prevallet, Reflections on Simplicity, 3-4)

Return to Chico

2008-06-28T07:31:00.000-05:00

free.

2008-06-13T16:09:00.002-05:00

School's out for a little while, I try not to think about just how long because that's a tad depressing: my summer class starts July 21st. But for now, I'm not in school, don't have homework, don't have to be on campus: it's beautiful.

I celebrated by spontaneously going to California last week. It was really last minute and kind of crazy figuring out details, but God worked it all out amazingly! I re-visited the YWAM base where I did my DTS last year, saw a lot of people there who are on staff, saw my friend Mike from Sacramento, and Andria from Hayward, and even was able to drive into southern Oregon to see Chantelle and surprise my roommate Streuber. It was really relaxing and just a blessing to see these people and be encouraged by their hearts, as well as to not have schoolwork or work-work to think about for 6 days...I came back late Wednesday night to a piddly 2 days of work, and they had kept up my stuff beautifully so even that wasn't stressful!

yup, I think the word here is 'mellow'.

got to think a lot, pray some, read some, journal a lot, and rest. everything's changing, and it's hard to keep up, but God let me catch my breath last week.

more to come, and pictures.

i am invisible.

2008-05-30T17:06:00.002-05:00

At least, that's what gmail keeps telling me. Right on the homepage of my inbox it says so:

"you are invisible."

and then it gives me this nifty option to "go visible". ha. as if, after 21 years of being visible, i would wish to abandon invisibility after 24 hours. not likely.

sometimes i wish i was invisible. on the freeway this could come particularly in handy ... speeding along without a care in the world on the shoulder of bumper-to-bumper traffic: yes that would be lovely.
right now i don't think that being invisible would actually help with my weekend projects: i don't see invisibility helping me write these papers or get out of them.

no, it seems i am stuck: visible, and with deadlines. drat.

moving on

2008-05-21T17:35:00.002-05:00

"This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it."

or will i? wow, when i stop to think of this line that just came to me ... what an incredible concept. simple, but significant.

i think that God is revealing to me that i am not 'moving on' as He would desire. i have been living in the past, trying to resurrect the 'dead' - DTS. but it's not coming back. i'm not going back to DTS, ever. that time will never be alive again, and that experience if over, put to bed.

i'm not so good with moving on, though. i love to hold on to the good of the past, the great experiences that i've had, or the memories of something good. but life goes on, and God is calling: come. come. come. come. it's continual. it's moving. it's movement. perpetual, consistent, necessary.

more to come on this, as it is just coming to mind.

This Weekend.

2008-05-16T07:37:00.002-05:00

Hello.

I know that you are all waiting, with great anticipation, to find out why this weekend (of all the weekends there are) shall prove to be so special in my life.

No, I'm not getting married.
No, I don't have a date.
No, I haven't found a church.
umm...what else?
No, I'm not going roller-skating.
No, I'm not going to a theme park (I don't like rollercoasters, remember?)
No, I'm not going anywhere.

This weekend, my big brother and his lovely wife are moving to Ohio from Denver! Yup! That's the excitement around here.
Of course, tonight I'm going to a play with a friend, tomorrow planting trees, having lunch with another friend, and going to another play; sunday I'll go to church somewhere, and go to a choir concert, and do stats homework...
So as you can see there are other exciting things going on. But the main event:

Yup. Here they come!!!

closer to done!

2008-05-15T15:56:00.002-05:00

Today I completed one part of the requirement for my Spanish class.

Crazy enough, this is an Honors 400-level Spanish class (and I'm a Spanish major, if you didn't know) and it is the easiest class maybe so far in my college career. That's saying something. Because I've had classes where the teachers throw candy at you just for raising your hands, and classes where all I had to do was sing beautiful songs, and classes that I almost slept through and did well in. It's just ironic, I guess, that it's an Honors class. and cake-walk-ish. :)

Anyways, today I did a presentation on reflexive verbs, and it went really well. Taking chips and salsa and candy didn't hurt my approval ratings with the crowd, but even my Prof (good ole Javier) commented that I did a very nice job. yay! Now all that's left (seriously, ALL that is left) is to finish this paper on the same subject email it to him!

So allow me to list below the requirements for this honors class:

homework, that Javier only checked for completion, and not correctness. 5-6 problems 2x a week.
one 20-minute presentation, in Spanish OR English (i mixed my languages)
one paper on the same subject as the presentation.

that's it. can you believe this?! I love it. and it's been such a fun class, with really nice people, i like to think we've bonded. but we probably haven't. oh well, i'll still take snacks to them....

have a great weekend. this coming one may prove to be on of the most exciting of my life...more to come on this.

kara

4 out of 5 Kara's hate stats labs...

2008-05-14T16:37:00.002-05:00

that isn't original. meaning, i didn't come up with that saying ... a friend came up with it in response to my 'status' on gmail today. :) it's not quite true, but it's fun because i happen to be in stats lab as i write. i don't hate it, i just would rather be at home.

i am really done with this quarter. which is too bad in the sense that i have 2 1/2 weeks to go, a few tests, a few papers, a few presentations. and my heart is ELSEWHERE. where? hmm.... i don't know.

option 1: Chico, CA. sometimes i close my eyes and see the streets, the places, the faces. i miss it ... and sometimes i wish i was there.
option 2: Guatemala. yeah ... it's pretty there. :) but to be there would be quite hard work, i know.
option 3: Columbus, OH. it's lame, i know...because it's so dang normal. but my heart is here in a lot of ways, with people, at OSU, at work ... physically, geographically, i'm here.

within option 3, there are more options! always options in my life. here in OH, my heart is sometimes:
1: at OSU - because God has me here getting a degree.
2: Speaking Spanish somewhere -- this hasn't happened yet but i think of it often.
3: with an unknown group of believers - unknown to me in that i have left my church and am looking to see where the Lord will lead me for fellowship.

today i wanted to give it all up. memories of Chico and DTS give me thoughts of going back and staffing, or doing a BLS so i can lead on DTS's. plus, there is a greater percentage of spanish speakers in CA than in Ohio. and what am i doing learning spanish anyways? i don't have a plan for it, i don't have anywhere to go, i don't have a purpose. except for obedience. and the desire of my heart. i don't know what it's going to look like. school is almost done for the quarter, but it's still demanding and i would rather be doing other things.

Oh Lord....help me! i am a confused kid.

i'm sure you weren't quite looking for that when you stumbled onto this post. sorry. :) just a little honesty about the state of my heart on rainy days.

it's interesting that looking back always seems better than the present. There's a Sara Groves song, "Painting pictures of egypt" to this effect, that we always think of the past in rosy terms even knowing full well that the past had troubles of its own.
the chorus:

I've been painting pictures of Egypt,
leaving out what it lacks
because the future feels so hard and I want to go back...
but the places that used to fit me
cannot hold the things i've learned,
and those roads were closed off to me
while my back was turned.

I don't know ... but it seems to me that everything is changing and if I'm paying attention I should be changing too.

so here goes.

um...if you read this, thanks. i appreciate your patience and desire to know my heart/mind!

love,
Kara

4:

a 're-defining' of key terms....

2008-04-12T16:08:00.002-05:00

you know how those classes are, they start with the professor on the first day 'clarifying' and 'defining' terms, so everyone's on the same (correct) page.

i think we've missed something when it comes to defining. i think we see some words in the Bible and consider them in their definition from the dictionary. Don't get me wrong, dictionaries are great: but dictionaries define what words mean in human thought and language -- and human thought and language is quite fallible. One key word, or 'concept', is (with dictionary definition):

beauty -

1: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit : loveliness 2: a beautiful person or thing; especially : a beautiful woman3: a particularly graceful, ornamental, or excellent quality4: a brilliant, extreme, or egregious example or instance beauty>

we'll start small, because i've got a paper to write, and i'm sure you don't have all day. :)

Beauty. In American culture, beauty is physical, and there is a laundry list of ugly characteristics that we all try to avoid so that we can achieve beauty. I don't believe that the Lord defines beauty in this way. To the Lord, beauty is something entirely belonging to Him, and He gives it to His people. Psalm 149.4 reads: "For the Lord takes pleasure in His people; He will beautify the afflicted ones with salvation." So for someone to truly be beautiful, it must mean that the Lord has had His way with them in bringing them to repentance. To follow logically, the only beautiful people are saved people. And we all consider most of the "beautiful people" of the world (super-models, movie stars, celebrities) to be pretty loose and in general 'not-saved', therefore they must not truly be beautiful. chew on that.

All of my life I have done a poor job of defining beauty. i believe that it is time we re-defined this key word, and lived out of the biblical definition - that we call things for what God says they are. After all, He is the author of truth. And in this situation, He is the only true "beauty" to be found.

seeking beauty? try Jesus. he'll blow your mind.

Bendi

2008-03-22T19:11:00.002-05:00

meet Bendi. It's short for "bendición," which is Spanish for "blessing."

loving life

2008-03-06T08:01:00.002-05:00

I read the article (below) in the WSJ on Monday, and it was really convicting. "Convicting?" You may ask, incredulous at my choice of words. But yes, it stands; the article was convicting.

Not obviously, and not directly, but reading it as a Christian whose main goal for life should be to die to herself and live to Christ, convicting. Because really, how much do we cling to this life out of desperation, because it is all we have, all we can see ... where is the faith in Christ and the hope of heaven? Those two things should vault us upward to the point of saying, and really meaning, what our Brother Paul said: "To live is Christ, and to die is gain." (Philippians 1.21)

There is a man from the church that I grew up in, and he is dying. Of course, we are all dying, and somewhat dead already, but this man is being physically assaulted with the death of his body. I mean cancer, strokes, you name it. Christians are rallying to the family's side, praying for healing. Amen. According to the will of God, to display His power and bring Jesus glory, so be it!

But what if he dies?

Is God not good anymore, to allow that suffering to his family? Au contraire, is God not good now, to allow that suffering to this man's own life?

Biblically, the righteous "man perishes, and no man takes it to heart; and devout men are taken away, while no one understands. For the righteous man is taken away from evil, he enters into peace; they rest in their beds, each one who walked in his upright way." (Isaiah 57.1-2, emphasis mine)

Beloved, there is more to true life than what we call 'life'. More than the pursuits of earthly gain, more than the quest for happiness. What we see is not what we get. The image in the mirror will fade, will change, and then will be transformed forever when Christ comes back. This is not all there is.

I am frustrated with my own lack of desire to leave this life. How come the Muslims are the ones willing to die for their faith, shouldn't that place be reserved for the Holy People of the Most High God, who actually have a truth worth dying for? Shouldn't we be living (in Christ alone) out the death to sin, willing to forsake even blood and breath for the kingdom? Isn't God that great of a reality, that worthy of everything, that good...

isn't He worth it?

article from the Wall Stree Journal 3.3.08

2008-03-06T07:35:00.002-05:00

OPINION

Worshippers of Death

By ALAN M. DERSHOWITZ
March 3, 2008; Page A17

Zahra Maladan is an educated woman who edits a women's magazine in Lebanon. She is also a mother, who undoubtedly loves her son. She has ambitions for him, but they are different from those of most mothers in the West. She wants her son to become a suicide bomber.

At the recent funeral for the assassinated Hezbollah terrorist Imad Moughnaya -- the mass murderer responsible for killing 241 marines in 1983 and more than 100 women, children and men in Buenos Aires in 1992 and 1994 -- Ms. Maladan was quoted in the New York Times giving the following warning to her son: "if you're not going to follow the steps of the Islamic resistance martyrs, then I don't want you."

Zahra Maladan represents a dramatic shift in the way we must fight to protect our citizens against enemies who are sworn to kill them by killing themselves. The traditional paradigm was that mothers who love their children want them to live in peace, marry and produce grandchildren. Women in general, and mothers in particular, were seen as a counterweight to male belligerence. The picture of the mother weeping as her son is led off to battle -- even a just battle -- has been a constant and powerful image.

Now there is a new image of mothers urging their children to die, and then celebrating the martyrdom of their suicidal sons and daughters by distributing sweets and singing wedding songs. More and more young women -- some married with infant children -- are strapping bombs to their (sometimes pregnant) bellies, because they have been taught to love death rather than life. Look at what is being preached by some influential Islamic leaders:

"We are going to win, because they love life and we love death," said Hassan Nasrallah, the leader of Hezbollah. He has also said: "[E]ach of us lives his days and nights hoping more than anything to be killed for the sake of Allah." Shortly after 9/11, Osama bin Laden told a reporter: "We love death. The U.S. loves life. That is the big difference between us."

"The Americans love Pepsi-Cola, we love death," explained Afghani al Qaeda operative Maulana Inyadullah. Sheik Feiz Mohammed, leader of the Global Islamic Youth Center in Sydney, Australia, preached: "We want to have children and offer them as soldiers defending Islam. Teach them this: There is nothing more beloved to me than wanting to die as a mujahid." Ayatollah Ali Khamenei said in a speech: "It is the zenith of honor for a man, a young person, boy or girl, to be prepared to sacrifice his life in order to serve the interests of his nation and his religion."

How should Western democracies fight against an enemy whose leaders preach a preference for death?

The two basic premises of conventional warfare have long been that soldiers and civilians prefer living to dying and can thus be deterred from killing by the fear of being killed; and that combatants (soldiers) can easily be distinguished from noncombatants (women, children, the elderly, the infirm and other ordinary citizens). These premises are being challenged by women like Zahra Maladan. Neither she nor her son -- if he listens to his mother -- can be deterred from killing by the fear of being killed. They must be prevented from succeeding in their ghoulish quest for martyrdom. Prevention, however, carries a high risk of error. The woman walking toward the group of soldiers or civilians might well be an innocent civilian. A moment's hesitation may cost innocent lives. But a failure to hesitate may also have a price.

Late last month, a young female bomber was shot as she approached some shops in central Baghdad. The Iraqi soldier who drew his gun hesitated as the bomber, hands raised, insisted that she wasn't armed. The soldier and a shop owner finally opened fire as she dashed for the stores; she was knocked to the ground but still managed to detonate the bomb, killing three and wounding eight. Had the soldier and other bystanders not called out a warning to others -- and had they not shot her before she could enter the shops -- the death toll certainly would have been higher. Had he not hesitated, it might have been lower.

As more women and children are recruited by their mothers and their religious leaders to become suicide bombers, more women and children will be shot at -- some mistakenly. That too is part of the grand plan of our enemies. They want us to kill their civilians, who they also consider martyrs, because when we accidentally kill a civilian, they win in the court of public opinion. One Western diplomat called this the "harsh arithmetic of pain," whereby civilian casualties on both sides "play in their favor." Democracies lose, both politically and emotionally, when they kill civilians, even inadvertently. As Golda Meir once put it: "We can perhaps someday forgive you for killing our children, but we cannot forgive you for making us kill your children."

Civilian casualties also increase when terrorists operate from within civilian enclaves and hide behind human shields. This relatively new phenomenon undercuts the second basic premise of conventional warfare: Combatants can easily be distinguished from noncombatants. Has Zahra Maladan become a combatant by urging her son to blow himself up? Have the religious leaders who preach a culture of death lost their status as noncombatants? What about "civilians" who willingly allow themselves to be used as human shields? Or their homes as launching pads for terrorist rockets?

The traditional sharp distinction between soldiers in uniform and civilians in nonmilitary garb has given way to a continuum. At the more civilian end are babies and true noncombatants; at the more military end are the religious leaders who incite mass murder; in the middle are ordinary citizens who facilitate, finance or encourage terrorism. There are no hard and fast lines of demarcation, and mistakes are inevitable -- as the terrorists well understand.

We need new rules, strategies and tactics to deal effectively and fairly with these dangerous new realities. We cannot simply wait until the son of Zahra Maladan -- and the sons and daughters of hundreds of others like her -- decide to follow his mother's demand. We must stop them before they export their sick and dangerous culture of death to our shores.

Mr. Dershowitz teaches law at Harvard University and is the author of "Finding Jefferson" (Wiley, 2007).

See all of today's editorials and op-eds, plus video commentary, on Opinion Journal.

And add your comments to the Opinion Journal forum.

link to the original article here.

i am a gentle warrior?

2008-03-02T15:41:00.000-05:00

well, i don't know about the middle part, but i like the idea of this slogan:

"i am a gentle warrior."

because as Christians, we are called to emulate the gentleness, compassion,
humility, and servanthood of Christ; all in the midst of this perpetual battle
against the kingdom of darkness. armor-clad servants, warring lovers,
humble soldiers. amazing.

i met one such man just yesterday. A missionary to the Czech Republic for 15
years, looking at him was the closest i've been so far to gazing on the face of
God. not to worship Roger, not at all; but to stand in awe of God as i came
into contact with one of His humble servants, a kind-hearted warrior in the
kingdom. it was a true blessing. i'm still in wonderment about it all! but really,
he reminded me of Jesus, more than anyone i think i've met so far. and that was
awesome. Jesus is amazing.

example 4

2008-03-02T15:36:00.000-05:00

example 3

2008-03-02T15:35:00.000-05:00

this little Iraqi girls' parents were both killed (if I remember correctly from the story)
and she was shot in the head but not fatally wounded. as she recovered, she was inconsolable
except by this officer, who proceeded to spend 4 nights sleeping in this chair, holding
this child so that she would finally sleep.

she is recovering well.

example 2

2008-03-02T15:33:00.000-05:00

"the battle is the Lord's"

example 1

2008-03-02T15:32:00.000-05:00

strength and compassion

2008-03-02T15:20:00.001-05:00

As Christians, we wear such heavy and strong armor (the armor of God), but we clothe ourselves with gentleness and compassion; soft-hearted warriors. What does this look like, since it seems to be a dichotomy?

it’s the armor-clad soldier bending down to hug a child -

the stern-faced officer leaning in to hear a woman share her story through sobs -

the policeman who cuts his widow-neighbor’s yard -

the president who serves his wife.

men of great compassion, laden down with status, forgetting their position, lowering themselves gladly:

this is here our calling, this is what it is; to know with every heartbeat just who we are to Him

then taking that, our story, to nations and to towns, giving praise and glory to the God who came and found

it’s humbly serving others, putting their needs first, showing Jesus’ love to them in squalor, filth, and dirt

it’s cleaning someone’s dishes, caring for their kids, wrapping up their Christmas gifts when the parents are both sick

it’s taking out the garbage with a smile, for your wife, it’s hearing children laugh and play, and joining in their life

strength and compassion, soldier and servant, embodied in one flesh, united at last.

what it all comes down to, is being like Christ.

“… who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Philippians 2.6-8

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves…” Philippians 2.3-5a

“…seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of him who called us by His own glory and excellence.” 2 Peter 1.3

yet another quote

2008-03-01T16:30:00.000-05:00

Corita Kent - "Life is a succession of moments, To live each one is to succeed."

quote.

2008-03-01T11:36:00.003-05:00

This, believe it or not, was found on a "congratulations" card the small group gave to Dave as we 'celebrated,' in essence, his going to Jordan next week.

"at last the ladder, which had been built slowly, slowly, one hope at a time, reached up to the clouds. And the dreamer began to climb."

i liked that.

heroic lives

2008-02-27T21:55:00.002-05:00

Here’s a bit of lameness for you, my cool font doesn’t translate to any other computer but my own. Darn internet, so inconsistent. Oh well, rest assured that it is a beautiful font from this end.

I was thinking today, oh what was it about? Now I’m not remembering. It was good, too.

Well, until it comes to me, here’s a question I asked a friend of mine yesterday, I don’t even know why I asked it of him (it seems now like it was an inspired moment), but after the fact it dawned upon me that it’s a really great question and I want to know my own answer. It must not have been my own question making that did it, because I couldn’t come up with this. It’s simple, but there’s more to it than meets the eye … question:

Whose life do you most want to emulate?

Sounds simple enough, most would first name some high profile figure like Lincoln, Washington, Churchill; a few would name parents, grandparents, or an influential teacher; others might name missionaries or sports figures, or Mother Teresa. But I’m not really talking about life-long accomplishments, because although they are important, the specifics of them depend largely upon individual gifts, callings, and life-background/direction; plus personality. For instance, I could not accomplish in a million years what Churchill did, because my personality is such that I compromise in confrontational situations easily and want to think the best of people, two qualities that would have been incredibly detrimental to the health of England (and the free world) during WWII.

No, I’m speaking more in terms of everyday life, is there a person whose life you look at and say “I would like my days to look like that. I would like to handle those continual situations with the same ease and grace. My finances need to be submitted to the Lord like theirs are. It seems like in their relationship with the Lord they’ve come to a depth of closeness I’ve not yet known; and I would like my life to look like theirs.”

No, I’m speaking more in terms of the mundane, the everyday, the stuff we all go through.

And why not? Why is there not a greater level of detail in the writings of the New Testament authors, to provide us with either comfort or challenge? Were the lives of Paul, Peter, John, and James as mundane and boring as ours and yet they found grace to live in the midst of it, or were their lives filled with one great and amazing thing after another and thus we have missed something as Christians? One thing I know is that less information demands more faith. We have no real idea what it looked like for those guys, for the early Christians. But I keep thinking of groups like the Thessalonians, people to whom it was written to “make every effort to lead a quiet life, and work with your hands.” (1 Thess. 4.11) Christians, working, doing the every day ‘quiet life.’ The first ever ‘simple life’.

So, whose life do I most want to emulate? I don’t know my answer. Now I want to go read some biographies and figure it out. And it would seem that if they were alive, a way could be found to seek their living advice, and if they were dead, a way could be found to still receive inspiration…their legacy of faith…as encouragement. Maybe.

culture shock.

2008-02-24T22:08:00.001-05:00

culture shock.

First, let me say that I am very excited about this font. It very closely resembles my own handwriting, except for the f’s, and the k’s. But really, that is beside the point.

This afternoon I partook in a Spanish church service on the other side of town. My Aunt and Uncle’s church lets this Christian Spanish church use their buildings on Sunday afternoons. I met the co-pastors at my Uncle’s birthday party; they are a really cool couple who spent 25 years in Costa Rica as missionaries.

Have you ever been in Spanish culture? It’s amazing. And really weird, all at the same time. Today was so good for me, but hard as well! I tried to only speak Spanish to the Hispanic people, but I was so nervous and scared of messing up that I think it blocked my ears from understanding what people were saying to me. That, and I haven’t been in a full-blooded Spanish situation like that since last year, in Guatemala. So, even though I do read Spanish bi-weekly and hear it spoken bi-weekly in my 250 class, it’s different to be around 40-50 native speakers who are getting together to fellowship. They were so welcoming! But I felt like a doofus. Oh well, what can you do?

I understood far less than I expected, some of which my have been due to my own nervousness that, like I said above, clogged my ears from understanding. All in all, it was really cool.

There’s just something about Spanish, that now when my mind is set upon a degree in it with a possible future in translating, I get excited even when I encounter a very real glimpse of how far I have to go in Spanish skills. Even though it’s hard, I feel settled into the idea that yes, barring a door-closed from the Lord, I will spend a fair portion of the rest of my life speaking Spanish on some level. That’s a fun thought for me.

Well, this week I take the SLRPE, the Spanish Listening and Reading Placement Exam, which I must pass with an 80% or better to get into the 400 level Spanish classes at OSU. I’m a little nervous, but I’m hearing from people’s experience that it’s not all that bad, and I’ll be glad when it’s over at least.

Let’s see, what else….? Well, nothing really of more importance. And, actually, it’s almost bedtime. So I’m off for now. Have a great week!

stop! think. then maybe, just maybe ... speak.

2008-02-20T08:12:00.000-05:00

i’m amazed at how smart we humans think we are. just because we have cognitive processes, does that really give us the power to express them at will? here’s what i mean:

- why do i think that i have to say every thought that runs across my head?

- do i really find my thought so sanctified that they should are exempt from being weighed in a balance according a scale of Philippians 4.8 before they come spitting out of my mouth?

- shouldn’t i have learned as a kid that just because something is in my head doesn’t mean it needs to come out right when it crosses my mind?

- or where is the love: giving other’s the preference even in speech, being considerate not to cut one another off to get my own ideas heard?

still you tell me that words have the power of life and death, to tear down or build up. but no one constrains me from my own selfishness! no one will stand up to me and speak directly to my impoliteness! but it remains: no change will come unless i die the death of slow silence. and it must be done.

it’s because of pride, really, that i find my thoughts more important, more inspired, more logical, more useful, better, than yours. and so that warrants me full right to speak over you. but really, is it the Spirit of God within me prompting me to speak? no, it is the fleshly desire for attention and affirmation. it does not stem from some pure motivation to encourage the brethren, it is a vain and selfish ambition. it is sin. and i am speaking about myself.

the small group’s been in Romans for a few weeks, and last night we wrapped up with 12. there is some awesome stuff in 12. I highly recommend it to you.

12.1 therefore i urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.

.2 and do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is; that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

so first: because of all that God has done for us in pouring out His extravagant love on the cross and delivering us from the power of sin and death (this is no small potatoes! i get so used to this language that it sometimes loses meaning, but how rich and powerful these truths are!), because of Jesus, we are not our own Remember?

1 Corinthians 6.19-20, ‘or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? for you have been bought with a price; therefore glorify God in your body.’

there are parts of me that need to die. i am not fully refined. so often i catch myself thinking these prideful thoughts that stem from the belief that i’m doing just great on my own, and that i’m great just as i am. i like to ignore the painful process that God desires to work, the part where He prunes the sin out of my life, where i have to work with Him in self-discipline, self-control, and obedience. the point is, one aspect of my life’s worship to God is coming to Him, messed up as i am, and presenting myself completely to Him as a sacrifice. saying ‘Lord, i’m willing to do whatever you want me to do,’ even if it means holding my tongue and controlling what comes out of my mouth.

12.3 for through the grace given to me i say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.

and later,

12.16 be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation.

humility.

Philippians 2.5-13 have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.

i'm done with bitter winter.

2008-02-19T17:15:00.002-05:00

it is bitter cold outside. disappointing.

i long for the days of sun and warmth, the light of the day, the stars of the eve, sweet afternoons of soaking up rays out on the back porch. i miss the flowers, the blue skies with clouds.

actually, i miss laziness, which doesn’t speak too well to my state emotionally. : ) funny enough, i’m back dreaming of last summer (which i got pretty bored with quickly) when i was just working 4 hours a day and then doing whatever else i wanted. and it was warm outside. that was nice.

but i’m here, and it’s February, and life is rolling on. it’s very, very interesting these days, and you will be hearing more in the days to come.

so enjoy the flowers posted here, let them bring you some warm summer cheer!

by the way, it’s warm in Guatemala right now…

lazy saturday?

2008-02-02T16:06:00.000-05:00

Wonderful Saturdays., Saturdays are wonderful

in the absence of picky exams. . .

but in the presence of such

it’s a wonder, how much

of one’s time is expended to cram.

J oh happy day. J

It is beautiful outside today, in Ohio, that is. The sun is actually shining, the sky fairly blue, no pesky-cold winds, and a bearable temperature. and I? Where am I? i am inside. studying for midterms!

Health is tomorrow, and it’s going well: did you know that the energy content of carbohydrates is 4kcals per gram? Well, it is. I hope you find that information useful, as I hope that I remember it tomorrow.

on Thursday i happened upon a local (local to C-bus!) Spanish radio station, and i have been toying with it since then, hoping to expand my skills in the realm of listening to Spanish. it’s fun, but i’ve noticed that almost all of the songs played so far in my hearing are of the mariachi-type genre; complete with horns and an accordion. it really just serves to “crack me funny” (an expression i mistakenly created at work this week similar to “crack me up” or “strike me funny”) every time a song starts. good for laughs, i guess, if nothing else.

tonight we’re making General Tso’s chicken, and also Shezuan (sp?) chicken. yay! i hope it’s good.

one more thing, Friday at work i got a voicemail requesting shot records, and when i called the girl back it turns out it was a former co-worker from my days at the bookstore! we got to catch up about life and it was really neat-o.. i like how God does stuff like that to make life more interesting.

well, enjoy your weekends, i have nothing more to say!

Missing Guatemala

2008-01-30T21:14:00.000-05:00

…this will be short. my health book is staring at me beckoningly (actually the thought of my midterm sunday is what’s really beckoning) …

as the title suggests, i am indeed in a pining state, for “native” Guatemala. i met a new co-worker today who has a good friend from Guatemala and my first thought was “una Guatemalteca? i want to meet her!” maybe it’s the weather, it’s so cold and windy/chilly here and it’s been a little annoying around campus because of that. or maybe it’s that everything’s been steady and vaguely familiar for a little too long, and i just want a change of pace. then again, i’m content here, just a teeny bit of me wants to be there…. i don’t know what it is. probably more the idea of Guatemala than anything, but some days i could just pack up and leave it all behind! no plans for that happening, but you’ll hear about it if anything surfaces.

as stated moments ago, my health book is staring me down. i must attend to it’s reading. if you think of Guatemala, think fondly people: it’s amazing!

:: estudiar a español es la vida maja - así es la vida yo he escogido. ::

2008-01-21T18:19:00.000-05:00

sí, una mas semana ha venido a nuestros brazos. y por que? que podemos hacer con siete días, veinte-cuatro horas en cada uno, sesenta minutos en cada hora . . . hay cosas por nosotros hacer.

por mí, es estudiar a español, la salud, y la comunicación; gozarme con mi familia y amigos, trabajar muy duro y servir como si yo estoy sirviendo a Jesucristo. yo deseo que mis días podrían estar llenados con viajes misioneros, pocos preocupaciones, mucho sueño, y otras cosas mismas . . . pero esta es la época que estoy en, y este tiempo tiene valor porque hay cosas que Dios quiere hacer en mí y (quizá!) con mi vida.

aquí son solas muy pocas cosas que yo estoy pensando de, yo no tengo tiempo escribir todas, pero necesito mucho practicar las estrategias que estoy aprendiendo.

gracias por leer, y quiere usted traducir esto, puede con Altavista.com’s “Babel Fish Translation.”

100th post . . . i wish it were special-er

2008-01-17T18:08:00.000-05:00

well well well what do we have here. ? . huh.

my afternoon activity got canceled, so now i am slowly drifting into a state of calm relaxedness. . . helped there by low responsibility and a warm blanket.

So yup, this is the 100th post as a blogger here on, well, Blogger. how ironic. 100 times i have typed out words on this site, more for my own remembrance than for the sake of people wanting to read. but i've really enjoyed this blog, and maybe someday it will be on the Lord's heart for me to write more. if not, then what you've seen is what you'll get: random posts.

i guess i missed the new year mark, so happy new year everyone! i'm back in school, studying spanish and enjoying the college life again. somehow this quarter just feels so easy, i'm hoping that it doesn't come crashing down around me. yesterday was the first spanish test, i think that it went well....we'll see next wednesday. exciting-ness: no school monday! happy MLK day!

monday is also the first culture day at pediatric associates (the office), i'm really excited. i'm thinking i'll do some sort of eastern european country and make a sweet neon poster with cool pictures on it. it's taking me back to my homeschool-ed youth.

tomorrow another settlers night. yippee!

wow. i really have nothing to say.

going on a date with Jesus saturday, to do something that He is passionate about . . . i'm so stoked. i've loved the idea of going on dates with Jesus for some time, but it's normally things like walking and coffee shops, things that i like to do. but it seems only fair and right to investigate the passions of the one i love. so the small group is going with the vineyard downtown to visit some awesome people who live in the parks in columbus. the least of these? it could be Jesus underneath that bridge. in the words of Mike White (who is indeed a delight), hug God's kids! i don't know if physically i'll have the honor of hugging someone saturday night, but to spend time with Jesus and some people that He really genuinely loves like crazy, that itself is breathtakingly exciting! i don't have any more words about that.

so, until something strikes the mind! have a great great great thursday night!!!

kara

hair......it needs cut

2007-12-27T19:12:00.000-05:00

Unselfishness

2007-12-27T09:41:00.000-05:00

Where are the good works? Where the acts of service? What happened to that hospitality that we Christians were once famous for? What has happened to our eyes, that we are blinded to the needs around us? What’s become of our hearts, once so attuned to others and anxious to serve?

Where is the forgetting of ourselves that should be taking place, where we are no longer important but other’s needs are considered more important than our own?

“Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. ‘Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s sear; I am. Don’t run from suffering, embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?” (Matthew 16.24-26, MSG)

Simple unselfishness is what’s it’s called. Simple is not what we have made it. Simple is the mindset given by grace that seeks continually the things above, not the things below.

“So if you’re serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don’t shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ -- that’s where the action is. See things from his perspective. Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life -- even though invisible to spectators -- is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you’ll show up, too -- the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.”(Colossians 3.1-4, MSG)

Who lives like this, really? Content with obscurity?? That’s ridiculous these days. First, do everything you can not to be obscure, and second, don’t be content until you’re well known! But that’s not the way of Christ, brethren, not even close.

“And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That’s a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It’s because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger.”

This is the way we have grown up into; materialism, greed, selfishness, self-preservation. The age of “me”, as my padre calls it. But we can’t just sit around partaking in this and blaming the world around us, we really can’t expect them to do anything different. But us, now we are the ones who should know better.

“It wasn’t long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it’s all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk. Don’t lie to one another. You’re done with that old life. It’s like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you’ve stripped off and put in the fire. Now you’re dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ. So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it. Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ -- the Message -- have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives -- words, actions, whatever -- be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.” (Colossians 3.5-17, MSG)

Each of us has this responsibility and obligation on our lives, to live in love as a genuine response to what God has done for us. We owe Him everything….

The thing is, His way is better. It honestly is. Everything He’s ever instructed us to do, through commandments and scripture’s exhortation, is for our personal good as well as the good of the kingdom. We’ll be better off if we stop trying so hard to make our own way.

“For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (Matthew 16. 25, NASB)

Romans 14.22-15.6 (MSG)

2007-12-27T09:09:00.000-05:00

“Cultivate your own relationship with God, but don’t impose it on others. You’re fortunate if your behavior and your belief are coherent. But if you’re not sure, if you notice that you are acting in ways inconsistent with what you believe -- some days trying to impose your opinions on others, other days just trying to please them -- then you know that you’re out of line. If the way you live isn’t consistent with what you believe, then it’s wrong.

Those of us who are strong and able in the faith need to step in and lend a hand to those who falter, and not just do what is most convenient for us. Strength is for service, not status. Each one of us needs to look after the good of the people around us, asking ourselves, “How can I help?” That’s exactly what Jesus did. He didn’t make it easy for himself by avoiding people’s troubles, but waded right in and helped out. “I took on the troubles of the troubled,” is the way Scripture puts it. Even if it was written in Scripture long ago, you can be sure it’s written for us. God wants the combination of his steady, constant calling and warm, personal counsel in Scripture to come to characterize us, keeping us alert for whatever he will do next. May our dependable steady and warmly personal God develop maturity in you so that you get along with each other as well as Jesus gets along with us all.”

ironically, on halloween

2007-10-31T07:52:00.000-05:00

Okay let me preface by saying that I'm not into halloween. never have been. 1st, I don't like being scared. 2nd, my parents never introduced or let us do any halloween celebrating. 3rd, it doesn't seem to be all that God-glorifying. But I'm not here to dig on the day. I say all that because it tickles me that on halloween of all days I am about to post about living dead people.

That's right folks, ''living, dead, people''. all three things. 2 adjectives, 1 noun. let's break it down, you know; drop the beat. : )

Ephesians 2.4-5
"But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions -- it is by grace you have been saved." (emhasis, and color, mine)

In thinking about this, how can a person be both alive and dead at the same time? Apparently, it's happened. And to us Christians, to boot. I think it interesting that God made us alive even when we were dead. So that makes me a living dead person, right? I mean, how can we be both living and dying at the same time?

Perhaps this has more to do with our dual nature, that we are both flesh and spirit. Maybe it is that before we knew Christ, both our flesh and spirit were marked for death and judgment, and eternal separation from God. Then, when the gospel was preached to us and we believed, our Spirits were transferred from death and marked for life. And so our flesh is still marked for death because of the sin that has destroyed physical life on the earth, but our Spirits marked for the eternal life that comes through faith in the Son of God.

Earlier in Ephesians, (1.19-20) Paul writes about the incomparably great power of God, which was displayed when He rose Christ from the dead. That same power is something that Paul prays for the Ephesians to know, to really understand and live from. And he says that power is for us who believe. One way to see that is that God's mighty strength, the awesomeness of which was shown when He raised Christ from the dead, is available to us and working on our behalf. But another way to look at it is that the same power that raised Christ from the dead is resurrecting our dead Spirits and marking them for life.

That just intrigues me. I'm a living dead person, by the power and grace of God.

Thought I'd share....

Picktown ramblings...

2007-09-23T11:47:00.000-05:00

Well, i’ve been traveling again. not too far, this time, not to another country or anything; not really traveling. but i did leave my own home, board a plane, and arrive shortly thereafter many hundreds of miles east of my departure place.

Philadelphia, PA.

Home of cheese-steaks (with cheese-whiz? *grimace*), soft pretzel companies, and my dear friends; i’ll call them ‘Kiki’ and ‘Jayvon’. Those names, of course, are only slightly exaggerated.

Kiki and Jayvon used to live here in Ohio with me. I met Kiki before they got married, we worked together in this dungy-book cellar. good times. Then she and Jayvon fell in love, got hitched, and decided to transport their lives to Philly. Fair enough, except that my opportunities to be around their coolness have depleted greatly.

I couldn’t stand the absence more than one month.

call me crazy, but they have a 2^nd bedroom … it’s real nice.

Anyways, i had the great pleasure of spending a weekend with them. Jayvon started making his hard cider after we found some un-pasteurized apple cider. we made a pie, took a walk, ate PRETZELS (fist pump!), and played 4 games of the “settlers of catan”. a-mazing.

cheese-steaks aren’t bad, either.

still existing

2007-09-19T22:36:00.000-05:00

somehow i doubt very much that many people check this site anymore, which is actually fine by me. But in case there are a few of you out there, hi.

thanks.

i'm alive.

maybe i'll be writing soon?

Pictures from outreach

2007-08-21T22:49:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone, I have finally uploaded my outreach pictures (106 of them) to my web albums for your viewing convenience.

That link is

DTS Outreach to Guatemala

I know it has been a great length of time since I have posted, and even more time since something of value was written here, but I am willing to give it a try if and when God leads.

For now, enjoy the pics.

Kara

keep looking.

2007-07-18T16:41:00.001-05:00

praying? feel like you see a picture from God or hear something from him? unsure to the meaning of it all? (does this sound like a heart-burn commercial yet?)

This happens to me, pretty often. Not going to lie. I feel like I hear or see something from God, but it's vague, the picture is fuzzy, or not complete. The scene ends too quickly, there's no resolution. No outcome. Or the words sound like mine, or confuse me, or don't hold meaning for my situation. What do I do? What do you do?

Here's what Daniel did:

"while I was contemplating . . . I kept looking until thrones were set up,"

He sees. He contemplates. And he doesn't back down, he doesn't leave, unsatisfied, but too lazy to wait like I am. He keeps looking. And he gets one of the sweetest visions of God recorded in the bible. I hope it inspires you to the glory of Jesus:

"I kept looking until thrones were set up, and the Ancient of Days took His seat; His vesture was white like snow and the hair of His head like pure wool. His throne was ablaze with flames, its wheels were a burning fire. A river of fire was flowing and coming out from before Him; thousands upon thousands were attending Him, and myriads upon myriads were standing before Him; the court sat, and the books were opened. Then I kept looking . . . and behold, with the clouds of heaven one like a Son of Man was coming, and He came up to the Ancient of Days and was presented before Him. And to Him was given dominion, glory and a kingdom, that all th epeoples, nations and men of every language might serve Him His dominion is an everlasting dominion which will not pass away; and His kingdom is one which will not be destroyed." (Daniel 7.8-14, emphasis mine)

I am encouraged that in this occurrence, Daniel ''kept looking'' three times (I left one out, feel free to read the whole thing). Makes me more steadfast to do the same.

So, confused about something you're hearing or seeing from the Lord? . . . I can't answer right now, I've got to go keep looking.

a thought on enslavement

2007-07-18T16:02:00.000-05:00

You know how some people seem to have power over you that you don't remember crowning them with?

Could be a parent you don't live with, someone you once loved, someone you hate, etc. . .

Well it really doesn't matter who it is, but you know as well as I do that when you look at things in the light, those people affect you negatively when you are with them. Now negatively is maybe the wrong word, maybe I'm thinking more ''without you wanting them to affect you". That's a little better. The point is, you're not yourself. You feel expectations stronger, you feel attached to a behavior you thought you had done off with. It can cause resentment, confusion, frustration: I know.

Who ever gave those people that power? I don't remember handing someone my heart and saying: "here, please take every occasion we are together and wreak havoc on my nervous system, I like it when my heart beats out of control and my legs shake." nope, I didn't ask.

So I was pondering, as I could not sleep for nickels, and began to read in 2 Peter. I believe the inspired words of God apply here:

"For speaking out arrogant words of vanity they entice by fleshly desires, by sensuality, those who barely escape from the ones who live in error, promising them freedom while they themselves are slaves of corruption; for by what a man is overcome, by this he is enslaved." (2 Peter 2.18-19)

I was struck with a meaning, from the word 'overcome', that's exactly what I've felt in this type of situation, that who I was and was most of the time was overcome, almost overridden, and someone else (unknowingly and probably not wanting to) had taken the reins. I read on, and realized that I've enslaved myself to these situations. I think by now it's how I expect to act in them. And so, I've subconsciously subjected myself to another person, who does not know it. It's really weird.

Ok ok, trying to get to the point here . . . Jesus didn't die on the cross for me to be enslaved all of my life. He wants me to be free, even more than I want to be free. And so I am on a quest for freedom. Guarding my heart, perhaps withdrawing where necessary, in general praying a heck of a lot more. Trying to see what the will of God is.

Are you enslaved? Don't be another moment. "It was for freedom that Christ set us free."

"If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free . . . truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever, the son does remain forever. So if the son makes you free, you will be free indeed." (John 8.32-36)

i love weekends.

2007-07-14T22:01:00.000-05:00

The title of this post says what i really want to say. i love weekends. More than weekdays, as do most people.

Today, is Saturday. It was wonderful! i woke up, went for a run, cleaned my room, cleaned my desk off, watched most of Fargo, then played the guitar a little and read my bible. then . . .

i cleaned up and went to a wedding. Sarah Tinon, this very evening, married Matthew Smith. It was a lovely wedding, as lovely as Sarah herself. It just fit their whole family so well, i enjoyed myself immensely. Yay for weddings! and yay for Tinons too, they're swell people.

So it's saturday night, tomorrow i get to go to church. and spend the day with Jesus. i am just pretty pysched.

Where are you. i'm praying:

2007-07-13T20:38:00.000-05:00

lights stay on all night in the harbor
to bring the boats home, love
i will stay right here, by this lonely ocean
my eyes a beacon for your journey

time and time again you could find me
were this to be the day we meet
every day i wake up to wishing
my heart is with you where you are

wherever that is . . .

danger on the seas, the redded sky is
warning me to watch and pray
knowing you alone could be drowning
crashed by breakers, storms and waves

someday you will know, for i will tell you
of all the nights i spent in tears
sitting on the sand of hopes and glory
a fire of hope to warm my spirits

to keep waiting for you . . .

that's balderdash -- from Cake Day

2007-07-12T21:17:00.000-05:00

Today was the second weekly Cake Day of the Ohio chapter. We had a great caked, shaped like the 'Great Wall' of China. Over cake we played Beyond Balderdash, and here are the results, both true and false; the best of tonight. Enjoy!

I.B.C.A. actually stands for the "International Brick Collectors Association." who collects bricks?

Chankings = "Food which is spit out such as olive pits, watermelon seeds, etc." but we also liked: "the sounds of horses' hooves on city owned pavement", "the rear flank scraps of livestock used in dog food."

Pinto Colvig (person): we liked "the inventor of pinto beans," and "a famous russian who ate chankings," and "a mexican-irish renegade who led the raid on gloucester in 1936."

"Ladies should Listen" (movie): our picks? "The story of 4 young co-eds en route to their spring break destination of Daytona Beach, Fla., who managed to arrive instead in Winnipeg, Manitoba." "A group of elderly women in a community knitting club "close their ears" to a new attender, Sylvia Rocktree, whose premonitions about the town drunk turn out to be 'dead-on'."

Nictitate = "the winking of the eye."

Levoduction = "the turning of the eye to the left."

Did you know that there are such societies as 'P.L.O.W.', which stands for Petunia Lovers of the World, and 'D.D.S.", Diving Dentists Society.

"Trollenberg Terror" (movie): "One-eyed aliens with octopus-like arms try to take over a small town in Switzerland." Other options? "A renegade trolley operator chooses random victims to run down in the streets of San Fransisco." "look out Trollenberg - Baby Hans has hit the terrible two's and his side splitting antics will have you howling for more." "The story of Hitler's mistress, whose botched plastic surgery leads to a retaliatory strike on the office where surgery was performed."

Ushabti (a word): we would like it to mean "a casserole consisting of deep fried sushi nuggets and steamed broccoli, and long wheat noodles." "a term used by superior indians for 'canoe'." "a mongolian favorite made from lamb flanks seasoned with field grass and butterfly wings, sauteed in llama spit."

"The Crime of Dr. Hallet" (movie): first filmed in 1938, this picture is about a jungle doctor who fakes his own disappearance by taking over a dead helper's identity. Our plot lines . . . "in this medical "who done it", Ben Thompson wakes from his amnesia to find a bomb installed instead of a pacemaker." "The good Dr. is called upon to extract chankings from a toddler's nasal passages, but neglects his duty to nictitate at the pretty nurse." "a crazed physician who goes on a mass murdering spree on his wealthy, unappreciative patients."

Nuzzling = "the sound commonly emitted by Camel."

There you have it.

a working girl

2007-07-11T14:26:00.000-05:00

Some say there's a women's work and men's work. Either way, it's work. So what if there's stuff that most people of one gender lean towards doing one type of work, and the other gender a different work. We like what we like, and some of that is what God has designed for us to do!

In all honesty, the ''women's work'' you think of when that term is mentioned (housework, cooking, cleaning, decorating, caring for youngins, etc) is what I most sincerely want to do in life. But that will come in time, if the good Lord is willing.

Anyways, all that to say . . . I'm working. I've got a job, and I'm working!!! It's not what you'd automatically call ''women's work,'' but most of the people I work with are women. It's quiet work, filing, filling out forms, medical records, calling people . . . sorting mail, doing odd jobs. But I'm really excited. It appears that I may have my own desk soon at the office, which means I can put up a few pictures of the people who mean most!

It's great to be working. I feel structured again, purposeful. Life has MEANING! Just kidding. :) It had tons of meaning before I ever got a job. Jesus is still my meaning, no matter what kind of job I am working. I wanna figure out how to make Jesus the center meaning of all things in my life. You know the song "Chicago"? It says "all things go, all things go, to Chicago." Somehow I just thought of that. Not that all things go to Jesus, but all things come from Him. The center. Yeah. That's what I want.

Got another sweet taste of community last night with the girls, Aleen, Tonya, Bethany, and Shannon. It was like YWAM small group all over again. It felt so good to be vulnerable again, I know by now that the freedom on the other side is sweet enough to go through any heartache. And so, I do feel a little freer today.

Aleen is taking me out to shop for scrubs tonight. yay! I look good posing as a nurse . . .

Rubiks Cubes

2007-07-09T14:56:00.000-05:00

My mind is in this intense fog but still I am attempting to solve this Rubiks cube. To no avail, as you may have guessed. I can get the green side (with the help of the directions) but then when I try to work on the other sides I always mess it up. It's not as easy as it looks. :)

The baby dedication was great, and we're back in Ohio. Aleen and Caleb are here with us, which is nice. Tomorrow I start my new job, I'm pretty excited, and then we are having a girls night!

. . . later . . .

I'm a little more awake! yippee! had dinner, ran, showered, etcetera. and now, the mental preparation for work tomorrow, day 1. I'm really excited to be having a job again, to have a schedule to my days. Here I was thinking it would end all my scheduling problems to have a 10:30-2:30 schedule, but then madre and I start talking about having my cousin Leah over for a weekend and things get crazy. I love my schedule for evening and weekends, but for lunches and day trips it's no good. oh well, you can't have it both ways I guess

I came across this quote in a wine ad at the hotel saturday night (why do I read wine ads? don't ask.) and it got me thinking: "can you harvest a way of life?" that's what the quote said, with regard to wine/grapes. But now I'm wondering if,

by sowing the seeds of what I like
can I harvest indeed, a way of life?

I'm not sure. But if true, it lends itself to intentionality in these days, a theme that I come across from time to time with much regularity. Re-occurrence of this theme probably means that it is quite important, but seeing as how it's not my way of life yet it means I still haven't got it.

Well, I'm in for a nice night watching "Driving Miss Daisy," a 1990 film with Morgan Freeman and Dan Ackroyd that my parents love. I'll go to bed early, I hope, because . . .

i have to work tomorrow!!!

Popcorn with the Pops with the Kitchens

2007-07-06T21:48:00.000-05:00

Just got back from a fantastic evening with my friends Eric and Sara Kitchen, with their girls Anna and Alea (sp?). I like them. They asked me all sorts of fun questions about my philosophy of dating. Makes me think. . .

Going to MD for Caleb's dedication this weekend, and I got a job! I start Tuesday at a Pediatric office here in Picktown. I get to do medical records. Should be sa-weet.

Um, doing well this fine day, it was a really good day. I bought scrubs for my job. Had lunch with my padre, and bought shoes for my job too. Then I cleaned, and went over to Eric and Sara's. Now I'm watching "King of Comedy", this old movie with Robert DeNiro and Jerry Lewis. I currently think that it's lame. :) still I watch. . .

Well I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Because mine is going to ROCK!!!!!

Psalm 31, Message

2007-07-05T10:24:00.000-05:00

I run to you, God; I run for dear life.

Don’t let me down! Take me seriously this time!

Get down on my level and listen, and please -- no procrastination!

Your granite cave a hiding place, your high cliff aerie a place of safety.

You’re my cave to hide in, my cliff to climb.

Be my safe leader, be my true mountain guide.

Free me from hidden traps; I want to hide in you.

I’ve put my life in your hands.

You won’t drop me, you’ll never let me down.

I hate all this silly religion, but you, God, I trust.

I’m leaping and singing in the circle of your love;

you saw my pain, you disarmed my tormentors,

you didn’t leave me in their clutches but gave me room to breathe.

Be kind to me, God -- I’m in deep, deep trouble again.

I’ve cried my eyes out; I feel hollow inside.

My life leaks away, groan by groan; my years fade out in sighs.

My troubles have worn me out, turned my bones to powder.

To my enemies I’m a monster; I’m ridiculed by the neighbors.

My friends are horrified; they cross the street to avoid me.

They want to blot me from memory, forget me like a corpse in a grave,

discard me like a broken dish in the trash.

The street-talk gossip has me “criminally insane”!

Behind locked doors they plot how to ruin me for good.

Desperate, I throw myself on you: you are my God!

Hour by hour I place my days in your hand, safe from the hands out to get me.

Warm me, your servant, with a smile; save me because you love me.

Don’t embarrass me by not showing up; I’ve given you plenty of notice.

Embarrass the wicked, stand them up,

leave them stupidly shaking their heads as they drift down to hell.

Gag those loudmouthed liars who heckle me, your follower, with jeers and catcalls.

What a stack of blessing you have piled up for those who worship you,

ready and waiting for all who run to you to escape an unkind world.

You hide them safely away from the opposition.

As you slam the door on those oily, mocking faces, you silence the poisonous gossip

Blessed God! His love is the wonder of the world.

Trapped by a siege, I panicked.

“Out of sight, out of mind,” I said.

But you heard me say it, you heard and listened.

Love God, all you saints; God takes care of all who stay close to him,

but he pays back in full those arrogant enough to go it alone.

Be brave. Be strong. Don’t give up.

Expect God to get here soon.

Good morning, one month later. I have been longing to write but haven’t felt reason to do so, haven’t felt there was anything that I had to say. But that’s ok, if I never again have something to say; that’s ok. Because God has things to say, and I can just be quiet.

Well, I won’t lie. It’s hard being home, not because home is a hard place but because I’m at a hard place. It’d probably be hard to be anywhere right now, and I just have to accept that. I think the hardest part is feeling alone: DTS provides this iron-strong community that is difficult to leave once you’ve been in it. Please understand, I don’t wish to be back in DTS, or in Chico right now, I just earnestly long for someone to walk with here. Kindred spirits, people of the same mind, unified goals, people to do things with for the kingdom.

There are lots of things I’m working on doing, like getting a job for starters. But for the kingdom. Unfortunately, things seem to be happening very slowly. I say that I am here for the foreseeable future, and that is true. A part of me thinks and hopes it won’t be too long.

With those random things said, I had it on my heart to post this Psalm this morning. As I struggle through loneliness and frustration and faith, the Psalms are becoming more dear to me because they say the things I want to say but don’t know how, they put words in my mouth for me when my mouth won’t even open. This is a Psalm I read this morning, and the Holy Spirit (our comforter) used it to comfort my soul. I’m a little more at peace than I was waking up, a little more joyful, but still relatively quiet. That’s something that usually doesn’t last long so we’ll see what God is up to in it.

The day is still young, and God is at work in it. I wonder what He is doing today . . .

Quick! Do something manly!

2007-06-11T12:02:00.001-05:00

I hope you all enjoy this movie I made on outreach in Guatemala. I think it's pretty funny.

home and alone

2007-06-08T09:05:00.000-05:00

"It's been a while. . ." since I last posted on this blog. But I have determined again to renew my interest in this site. A lengthy update about the Guatemala trip is still to come, never fear; but for now I think it will suffice to say that the trip was great and now I am home.

Yes, DTS is over. And here I am back home, in Ohio, looking for a job and sorting out what's to come next. But mainly, my focus is on my relationship with Christ. Jobs are a little important, you know, making money and the like, but to me it's important because it's what God told me to do next: find a job. Then after that? I don't know. and I may not get to know for some time.

That's OK. Because I can trust the character of God that no matter what I am going through, He is here with me. So even though I may feel terribly alone (which I do feel sometimes, depending on the hour) I am encouraged even by these long-ago written words on this page:

"but as for me, the nearness of God is my good."

Without Christ, I am nothing. Without His presence, my life is meaningless. Without His Holy Spirit, I am useless.

And so I resolve to do nothing of my own power, nothing of my own ambition, nothing to further my name. . . but to do everything He asks me to do with all that I have within me. What does this look like? Stay tuned. . .

before i say goodbye. . .

2007-03-22T14:39:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone! Before i say goodbye and head off to Guatemala, i just wanted to drop a few lines and say some things.

1) i will be periodically updating this blog and/or sending out mass emails depending on the amount of time and internet connections available.
2) there will be a team update posted on the YWAM Chico website every week, so you can at least get generic information as to what we are doing and where. That update will be found here unless i notify you otherwise.
3) our time in Guatemala looks roughly like this:
Antigua - 3 weeks
San Pedro - 2 weeks
Guatemala City - 2 weeks

i know that's nothing exact, but i don't know much more. our team would appreciate any prayer or intercession that you would partner with us in, and i personally look forward to sharing reports of God's faithfulness with you either from Guatemala or upon our return. We'll be back May 19th, graduate May 20th, and then this wonderful thing called DTS will be over. What a phenomenon.

Well friends, i've got to go and weigh my suitcase to make sure it is suitable for travel. i love you all and am praying for you. thank you for partnering with me in relationship!

all for the glory of God,

kara

after time, come words

2007-02-28T19:50:00.000-05:00

Hi Everybody! So sorry for the length between my updates, i'll pretend that i am preparing you all for the time that i spend in Guatemala where internet access is more infrequent. :) really, i'm just preoccupied mixed with lazy.

So i've skipped a week, eh? ok. recap of the last week, called ''spiritual warfare'' and taught by Dean Sherman. This Mr. Sherman is what YWAM calls a 'legend' and 'amazing speaker'. i have not so far been disappointed! He's absolutely hilarious, brilliant in presentation, but humble in conversation and approach to each day's lectures. It's been very enjoyable.

This week has been on "Relationships" also taught by Dean Sherman. It's rad that we get him for 2 weeks straight, he has a lot of insight and wisdom and is super funny. He does all these antics all morning long in class, but doesn't compromise the message just to be funny. i'm still getting lots of revelation!

It rained a lot this week, which was LAME. cold and rainy, supposed to actually snow which doesn't happen, but the rain is just as bad. ick. oh well! guess what?!!! i leave for Guatemala in 25 days. . .yes, i believe that our team leaves Sunday the 25th whereas the Fiji team leaves the 24th. That seems to be the plan.

Cool news, i still enjoy being here, like the people, the atmosphere, am learning, and moving forward with God. super psyched for outreach.

and hopefully soon i will sit myself down and write some thoughts on deep things for you all. for now, this is just to say that i am well. i hope you are too!

email me, call me, write me, i'd love to hear from you! love to you!

kara

a quiet weekend.

2007-02-18T16:17:00.000-05:00

hello friends. i hear it's cold where you all live. *grimace* i feel your pain.

not physically, understand, it's 70 and sunny in Chico. i actually got HOT yesterday. weird, huh?

this week was:

THE FATHER HEART OF GOD
--Mike White

(in prose, recapped, as follows)

i knew there was something special about Mike White the first time i laid eyes on him. we had just gotten back from Steph's ranch and the dinner at chipotle on the way home. it'd been a long, tiring, but amazingly fun weekend. it was great to get away, go four-wheeling, encourage her church, and receive sweet bear hugs from her dad. the chipotle wasn't bad either.
i walked in, the first car to get back. mike (our mike, in DTS, michael wilson) and his mom, brother, and friends are there. he says Mike White came to hang out with us, but we weren't there. he came saturday, just to chill with us! wow! some 10 minutes later in comes this man, Mike White, and starts getting to know people. i do my formal introduction, as the hospitality lady you know, but he immediately puts me at ease. this man is all about relationship. all week long he modeled for us the Father's heart, time after time. Mike White woke up every morning and came to breakfast with us at 6:45. he spent his free time hanging out in the lodge with us. he took our entire DTS, BLS, and staff to in-n-out (burgers, it's a west coast thing apparently) and to an ice cream place. he brought stuffed animals for us all and held a graduation. he prayed for us. he has myspace!

i wrote him a song, out of deep appreciation. this was a week of rest, which i needed because i had stomach sickness all week. who knows what that was all about. i honestly saw Jesus in this man, a side of Him that i don't see all the time. what Mike said in class was good, but the fact that he displayed it among us made it so much more real.

this weekend 5 of the girls went to Oregon to Chantelle's house. Jake's in Sacramento with friends, Raychel's at home, and Dongman's at Yosemite with the ESL students. the ESL went away this weekend too, all but 2, one group to San Fran and one group to Yosemite. so there are 4 girls on the whole floor, and 6 guys. but it's SO quiet. there's a huge conference of youth, about 200 junior high and high-schoolers. it's CRAZY! but the lodge is still quiet. and my roommate is in oregon, it's SO WEIRD to have a room to myself. it's been 6 weeks! this is a crazy world, eh?

went to a welcome dinner/potluck at Trish's house last night, i met Trish at Matthew's (Matthew's Cafe, the church i go to here in Chico) 2 weeks ago and she invited me to this dinner connections deal. Mike, Andria M, and i went over to her house last night and with 7 others ate and fellowshipped. it was a really fun time. and at church this morning, i actually knew people who knew my name! yeah. that's so cool. the meeting this morning was really good, the sermon about submitting to one another and we had communion too. i'm so impressed with this place, and overjoyed that i get to go there while i'm here!

well, the week coming up is Spiritual Warfare, with Dean Sherman. highly acclaimed. we shall see. . . . . .

i hope you all are well in your respective locations. i pray for you. i miss you. i think of you. God bless you!

love,
kara

Today. . .

2007-02-13T15:21:00.000-05:00

Hey guys! Today is finally sunny again, probably the first sunny day in week and a half or so. it's just NICE. and i am officially an aunt! Caleb Jonathan Tindor was born on Saturday, February 10th. 8 lbs, 7 oz, 21 1/4 inches long. He's so beautiful, look at the pictures! it makes me so happy. i'm sad, though, because i won't see him till sometime in June. that's disappointing. oh well. at least he and Aleen are both healthy and happy. yay!

so i'm going to Guatemala! cool beans, eh?

yeah. that's where i'm going!
here's the layout o my team:

leaders:
Brandon & Julia
BLS:
Dana & Rosa
DTS:
Dongman
Brian
Tom
Colette
Judith
Andrea (Canada)
Kara (me!)

i'm excited about the team layout. it's a good group of people, with good leaders. i'm also happy to start language classes today with Rosa teaching. She's from Columbia originally, and she and Dana (her husband) have been staffing in Guatemala for 7 months of the last year. so things are starting to shape up as far as outreach plans are concerned. yippee! please continue in prayer for our teams, both my team and the Fiji team, for unity, preparation, guidance, wisdom, and also finances. the Fiji trip is more expensive and there are quite a few people still needing funds. mine is all covered, no worries, but we appreciate any prayers in that direction for the whole team. thanks!

well that's it for me today, have a blessed day! i love you all!

kara

outreach update

2007-02-09T20:19:00.000-05:00

Hey this is fast, because i'm on my way out of town, but i'm going to Guatemala! officially! i think the dates are still coming, but at least i know my team and etcetera.. i'll post on all that later.

peace.
kara

looking a little back

2007-02-06T15:46:00.000-05:00

We have free time this afternoon. 2 glorious hours to process, sleep, get ahead, enjoy chilly sunshine, or whatever our little minds can come up with. i LOVE free time! But i also love what is scheduled normally. and hopefully tomorrow at this time we will be learning where we each are going for outreach! i'm so excited.

But anyways, i was laying around on the couch and just cracking jokes with whoever would walk through, and then i just got amazed again that i am here and learning and all the stuff that comes with DTS. this is by far the coolest experience of my life so far!

This week we are learning about walking in the Spirit, and how it is possible to live in victory and not sin. we are not under compulsion to sin, guys, God would not command us to live sinlessly if it was impossible. so why aren't we trying? that's what i've been asking myself. there's a lot of cool revelation and truth coming from this week, and this is only the 2nd day of the lecture! our speaker is Bernie Ogilvy, from New Zealand. he spent a term in parliament there recently, and just got back to speaking at YWAMs recently. i think maybe we're the 3rd school since he got out of parliament. something like that. he's so rad! i'm really enjoying it.

in other news, it's supposed to rain here tomorrow. we're all pulling for some liquid from the clouds, if you know what i mean. it's apparently been a long time coming. also, some of the guys have been growing out their facial hair and just yesterday shaved. they shaved some nasty mustaches and have been walking around like hillbillies. it's so funny. they keep reminding us that it's an opportunity to show the love of Christ despite how someone looks. i just have a hard time looking at them without pleading them to shave. oh well. :)

oh yeah. before i'm done. today is Caleb Jonathan Tindor's due date. i really really really really hope that he comes before the day is out! i talked to Aleen this morning, and no movement. but i'm praying! i'm praying for him to come and for Jake to shave his stash. God answers prayer, right???!!!!

Ok, ya'll have a great day, k? love you!

kara

Downtown Chico

2007-02-03T16:38:00.000-05:00

Hey! I just remembered that we did something cool last night that I can write about! Yay!

So last friday we went to downtown Chico and prayer-walked the streets. It was really cool. Then last night we went back to this little park with a fountain and stage and we played worship and talked to people. Jake, Raychel, Andria, Peter, and I ''led'' worship, but it was so super casual that people jumped on and off the stage, forsaking their positions to talk to people. It was sweet. 2 students from Chico State had been out to the base yesterday afternoon to tour because they are considering DTS or Mission Building. I met them and invited them to come to the park. They came and hung out for about an hour. They're a part of Intervarsity (a Christian organization on campus) and in talking to them I was able to share a verse I had gotten for them while we were in intercession this week. It was so rad! I'm really hoping to attend at least one of their meetings while I'm here and be able to encourage them. Some of our team prayed for a girl's ear last night and she got healed! She was supposed to have surgery but now she doesn't have to! How cool is God! After about an hour we packed up and convened at Starbucks. I ended up talking to a Chico State student who was studying Statics, whatever that is. Actually, I understood some of it. He doesn't have any background in Christianity, and I talked about YWAM and what we learn and that kind of stuff, but I think it was all vague to him. I wish I would've just laid out the gospel to him. He seemed open enough. So, if you think of him, pray that he keeps running into people who are perhaps bolder than I am, and that he comes to know Christ. I want another chance, but at this point all I can do is release him and prepare for the next opportunity I have with any non Christian.
All in all, it was a good night. I'm really excited because we'll probably do this every friday while we're in lecture phase.
Can you believe that I've been here for a month already? It feels like I've only been here a few days! But it's good. 7 more weeks of lecture, supposedly. We'll see.

Ok, I'm off to watch people play soccer. Thanks for reading!

So I tried....

2007-02-03T16:26:00.000-05:00

Uploading this video from this week for ya'll to watch. You see, I've been doing interviews with all da DTSers so that you can kind of get to know them. But, the video would not upload. So I will keep trying.

This week was really good, freeing in a lot of ways. The topic was "Plumbline", which was about aligning ourselves with truth and getting rid of stuff from the past. There was a lot of confession and forgiveness going on Thursday and Friday, in group setting. I thought it was really cool to be vulnerable yet to open up for the sake of freedom. I think I saw a little bit of why the bible says "confess your sins, one to another, that you may be healed." It was really hard, but so good. The freedom on this side is so sweet. And it really bonded us together as a team to hear deep and dark secrets, to extend the assurance of forgiveness from the Father, and to trust each other with our souls. I love these people more than I did before.

This week was exhausting, not going to lie. But it was good in a way that I didn't expect. The amount to which I was scared about this week is far overshadowed by the amount of freedom I have experienced. I think God is so cool for wanting us to be free! He extends such grace and forgiveness. Yeah.

Last week for church I went to this place called "Matthew's Cafe," it's a coffee shop during the week, church on sundays. It was so rad! So much cooler than I expected. I'm going to make that my home church while I'm here. I'm really psyched to go back there tomorrow!

Well, I guess that's the week, boring as it may seem there was indeed a lot that went on. Much of it, though, is intensely personal or only meaningful to me. So this is what you get!

Nothing yet as far as where I am going for outreach. Thanks so much for your prayers and friendship. I'm sorry that my posts are so lame!

I love you all!
Kara

The Balanced Christian Life

2007-01-30T19:07:00.000-05:00

This is a brief summary of part of the teaching last week. It was definitely more in depth and, well, deep, but I think this sums it up fairy well.

Things are going well, no worries. When there is news you will hear!

There are three parts to the Christian life that must be kept in balance. If one is emphasized more than the others, the true beauty of relationship with God will be compromised, and we will in live in frustration.

1. Being a child. (relationship, intimacy with God)

God is father, and we are His children. To keep close there must be communication. For Christians, that’s prayer. Prayer is conversation, talking to God, all day long. God wants to hear our voice. It’s not religion, it’s really all about relationship, praying because we want to get closer to God.

2. Becoming like Jesus.

Just as all children grown, we should be growing, changing the way we think and seeing with God’s

eyes. Our character and mind should look like Him.

3. Building the Kingdom.

As we have that close relationship with God and are becoming like Jesus, we will start to take on the priorities of God. Our question will not be, what can God do for me, but what can I do for God? His dream will become our dream.

Outreach Update

2007-01-25T00:04:00.000-05:00

Hey guys! Most of you got this email but I wanted to make sure everyone got the word. Today it was announced that our DTS will split into two groups for outreach, one going to Guatemala and the other going to Fiji. We have till about monday to pray and decide where we each feel God is leading us.

I am just lost about it all, but not in a bad way. I'm just chilling, waiting for God to speak. I believe He will. There's a lot to weigh on each side.

But I just wanted to keep the update going.

Things are going well here, apparently at this time of the year it should be raining nonstop and so far it hasn't rained a drop! Yay God for dry and sunny weather! now if only there was a way to water the earth without the days being rainy.......

I'll keep you all posted!

love!

More Pictures of the Base

2007-01-20T11:55:00.000-05:00

More Pictures from DTS

God Quotes my Poetry!

2007-01-19T22:41:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone! It’s been 12 days that i’ve lived here in Chico, CA. i cant believe how fast and slow time can move at the same time! anyways, i wanted to try and wrap up this week for you all back home. it’ll probably be hard, and i may not be able to do it to completion, but hopefully some of it will speak to you. i know it’s spoken to me! ok so here goes, i’m going to try to diary it out for you day by day.

Sunday. January 14. 2007.

went to CityLight Church in Chico. the worship was really good, and the preaching was ok, encouraging but not amazing. one thing, the pastor used our DTS theme verse in his sermon. that was cool. (FYI, that verse is Jeremiah 33.3: “Call to me, and I will answer you, and show you great and might things, which you do not know.”) i went up for prayer about ‘future things’ and this super sweet lady prayed for me. i cried.

Monday, January 15. 2007.

in quiet time i sought revelation on Philemon 1.6. i still haven’t found where i want to be reading consistently, i’m kind of all over the place. “and i pray that the fellowship of your faith may become effective through the knowledge of every god thing which is in you for Christ’s sake.” i didn’t get a whole lot, frustratingly. i just kind of defined the terms. you know.

We started a lecture topic this week taught by a guy named Jeshu Ram. “Hearing the Voice of God.” it started today. a few thoughts from lecture: “obedience releases God’s presence, but we should never obey for results. We obey to be obedient and to please God, not because of the results of our obedience.” “From Ephesians 1.17-19. revelation is not complete without application.” “Revelation does not come easy, it’s like treasure, it must be sought out.” “From John 10.1-5, Jesus the shepherd. Shepherds break the legs of the baby lambs to keep them from wandering off and being eaten. The shepherd then mends the leg and carries the lamb on his shoulder until the leg is healed, all the while speaking to the lamb so it will recognize his voice. in the same way God sometimes breaks us and mends us so that we rest on his shoulders and begin to recognize the voice of God.” “God wants to speak to you more than you want to hear from Him.”

These were some spastic but really cool things that i learned today. oh, and i cried.

Tuesday. January 16. 2007.

This is Lindsay Wade’s birthday! Happy birthday Lindz! today in quiet time i went back to something i had started before i left, a study into who all has seen God, what they saw, and then what they did in response. i was up to Genesis 28, where Jacob has his dream of the ladder to heaven. His response to seeing God was threefold: first it says he “He was afraid and said, how awesome is this place!” he fears God as response. the fear of God is a good response when we have seen Him because a glimpse of Him should bring our concepts of Him in line. Second, Jacob set up a pillar of remembrance, to remember the place where he had seen God. i think that my pillars of remembrance are my poetry and songs, but i’m not super purposeful in putting up my pillars. i think it’s necessary for when the times get rough and we need something to boost our faith. Third, Jacob made a vow to God. This response i wasn’t quite so sure about, because his vow had conditions, like “God if you do this, i’ll turn around and do that.” but a vow nonetheless is cool because it’s devotion and commitment. anyways, those were my thoughts from quiet time. in lecture we talked about how God should be the center of all avenues of our lives. what i’ve really appreciated so far about DTS is that everything revolves around the relationship with Christ. hearing God’s voice is all about the relationship, the intimate conversation that God desires to have with us. good stuff. i cried.

Wednesday. January 1 7. 2007.

Spent quiet time in prayer for friends and family back home. it was a good time. In lecture we talked about the hindrances that we face in hearing the voice of God. Here’s a truth, “the character of God doesn’t change because of the circumstances in our lives.” some of the hindrances are:

lack of love for God and others

unbelief

unforgiveness

pride

callused conscience

idols

immorality

occult

disobedience

fear of man

busyness

ungratefulness

unconfessed sin

condemnation

fear of making mistakes

comparing

then we came to the living room of the lodge where the leaders had built a fire. we spent time in quiet asking God to reveal to us if any of these things were hindering our walk with Him and our ability to hear His voice clearly. as God brought them to light we wrote them down, then one by one got up and confessed them publicly and threw them into the fire as a sign of leaving them behind. it was really powerful. i cried.

Thursday. January 18. 2007.

in quiet time i meditated on Romans 8.19: “for the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God.” When Christ comes to set things right, all will be illumined and everything that was hidden will be revealed. We are all waiting for the revealing of God himself. i am a son (daughter) of God. that anxious longing is inside of me too. my anxious longing waits eagerly for…..

the revelation that i am a daughter of God? the truth of that fact? is that what my anxious longing is waiting eagerly for? i do wait to have it revealed to my that my true identity is as a child of God. and i agree that the anxious longing is inside of me. i yearn and eagerly desire revelation of the way things really are. Just some thoughts on that.

In lecture today, Jeshu, Bruce, and Stephen (the last two are staff members here on base) came in and ministered to us all in the DTS. it was a really cool time. i need to preface this. : )

we had worship first, and during worship i got this picture and sense that i was out to coffee with Christ. there we were, and i was sitting and telling God how cool He was and what i thought about Him. that was worship. then God told me to be quiet, and climb up on the chair with Him because HE wanted to talk to ME. He told me to wait patiently and just be satisfied with His nearness. : ) i was reminded later that this is my blog’s theme verse! that was cool. so i sat and waited patiently as most of the other people were ministered to. it was cool to just feel the closeness of my position with Christ and whisper in His ear my prayers for each one. and God spoke to me some of the same things that the speakers were feeling, which was confirmation that i can hear the voice of God. then it was my turn.

the first thing that was said confirmed what had been happening all morning, that i was waiting patiently and asking God what He wanted to say to me. then it flowed out. word after word of precious confirmation and truth. it was so sweet and tender. i don’t think that i can even begin to explain what happened, or list all of the things that were spoken over me, but if you email me for specifics i will do my best to give them to you! sorry. : ) needless to say, i cried.

Friday. January 19. 2007.

this morning in quiet time i spent the whole time trying to write down what had happened this week. then in lecture we took time and got quiet outside by ourselves and asked God two questions: 1. Lord Jesus, what do you think or feel about me? and 2. Lord Jesus, what are your plans and purposes for me?

this was a practical application of what we had learned all week, hearing the voice of God. this is where the title of this post comes in. the first thing that i felt God speaking to me was a line from a poem i had written to Him, that He was now speaking over me: “I speechless love your faithful face.” it blew me away. there were a lot of other things that i felt, but a lot of it was really personal and i’d rather not post it right now. maybe it will come. we all sat in a circle and shared what we had felt God spoke. i cried.

ok. so that’s my week in review.

i just want to encourage you all that God speaks, is speaking, and wants to speak more to you, each one of you. hearing His voice takes practice, and a willingness to trust God and step out in faith. it’s not some mystical thing that only happens to people who have known God forever and a day…..or just for their moms….but it’s for all believing Christians. God has things that He is probably saying to you and wouldn’t you like to know what they are! listen. take time in quiet. ask Him to clear your mind. make sure you don’t have any hidden sin confusing things. when you feel Him say something, when a thought comes across your mind, check it: does it go along with His word? does it glorify Jesus? does it match His character? is there a witness in your spirit? is there a witness with another person’s spirit? does it draw you closer to Jesus? if these things line up, step out in faith that you have heard God speak.

well it’s been a wonderful week of crying and learning and praying and listening. i’m so excited about what has happened this week. i’m sorry if this has been boring, and i’m very impressed if you’ve made it this far. i hope that through this Christ inspires you to listen for His voice. have a great week! email me! talk to me! i miss you all. love you!

peace --

kara

wrapping up the week.

2007-01-14T00:24:00.000-05:00

Hello, and welcome to day 6 of life in Chico, CA. This will be fast, because we're all about to watch Nacho Libre and chill out for the night.

This week went really well. Week 1 of DTS consists (in Chico) of orientation, a few base meetings, a lot of random getting-to-know-you stuff, good food, hikes in the canyon, going to Walmart in Chico, and in general having a swell time.

We did start lectures wednesday, and i'm really excited. i think that these 5 months will be amazing. absolutely wonderful!

A few things about our group: we're VERY loud. It's just like home!

Anyways. What did i learn this week? i learned.........a lot! That you can never know what to expect! And that's not a bad thing! i also learned a little bit of God's unconditional love. And in class we were meditating on Jeremiah 33.3, our school's theme verse:

call to me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things which you do not know.

During the meditating i was struck by the fact that God has promised to answer us, when we call. It was a reminder of His statement: "I WILL answer you"....i needed that. i've been frustrated at the silence i feel when i'm praying and waiting on God, frustrated at my impatience and lack of sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. i guess it's something you grow in. But anyways, it was an awesome reminder of God's faithfulness, that He is waiting for me to call to Him. He's not witholding His voice from me for any other reason than me not calling to Him. So i've decided to call to Him more often. i'll let you know how it all works out. :)

Tomorrow morning we're taking a van to City Lights, one of the local churches. There's also a Vineyard around that i would like to check out. We'll see.

Well, i just got the call to watch the movie, so i'm out for now. Love to you all, near and far away!

peace --

kara

Photo Album

2007-01-12T20:13:00.000-05:00

Chico

Andrea and me! (roomie)

2007-01-11T19:10:00.000-05:00

The Hotel

2007-01-10T21:00:00.000-05:00

a thought from the word, for you.

2007-01-09T00:44:00.000-05:00

through your faithful prayers and the generous response of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, everything He wants to do in and through me will be done. i can hardly wait to continue on my course.

Philippians 1.18-19 (MSG)

firsts from Cali!

2007-01-09T00:41:00.000-05:00

Alright! So here i am, in Chico, California. yay. i am incandescently happy tonight. yesterday was spent arriving and settling in, meeting the other DTSers, the leaders, and the BLSers. ok a little background. i’m in the DTS, 15 students from all over. Alaska, Winnipeg, Jersey, Ohio (me), St. Louis, Colorado, a few from Cali, South Korea, Austria, London, Oregon. the BLS is the leadership school that runs alongside the DTS. there are maybe 5 BLSers? i’m not quite sure of the number. they hang with us, have lectures with us, and will go on outreach with us. and then we have the 6 leaders who are officially staffing this school.

so far everyone is super cool. my roomie is the one from Winnipeg, and she seems to be a really neat girl. i am enjoying ‘dorm life’! the base is absolutely beautiful, so far i haven’t taken any pictures of the buildings but i’m working on it. the grounds are breathtaking; so peaceful and calm. the buildings are older and brick and quaint. everything is comfortable and nice. clean. quiet. i approve.

this morning was breakfast, base meeting and worship, then orientation began. we did a base tour, played a game, ate lunch, talked about some rules, then dismissed. 11 of us took 3 cars into Chico to Walmart for necessities, In-n-out for dinner (go in-n-out! that place has good burgers), then the mall to walk around and shop. it was a fun bonding experience for us. one of the girls remarked on how odd it was to feel comfortable with strangers 24 hours after meeting them. we decided it has to be a God thing. i really think that God was personally involved in the details of this school, from who is here to who’s rooming with whom, and beyond. i’m not saying it won’t be hard, but i think it will be awesome because God is working to prepare us now. i’m excited.

i was reading in Colossians this morning, thinking about why i am here, and how i want to know God and His will for the next phase of my life. in 1.9-12 Paul writes:

“For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience; joyously giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in Light.”

right now this is my prayer for myself and for the other students in my school. that we would be filled with the knowledge of His will, in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, and that we would indeed walk in a manner worthy of the Lord. my heart’s desire is that we please Christ in all respects, and bear fruit and increase in knowledge. we’ll need strength from His glorious might to attain steadfastness and patience, and i pray too that we remember to be joyous and give thanks always.

the staff, in preparing for our arrival in prayer, chose verses for each of us. mine was Phillippians 4:4-7:

“rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: rejoice! let your gentleness be evident to all. the Lord is near. do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

i thought is was a cool connection then, to read this morning about being joyous. i’m reminded of the David Crowder song: “you are my joy”, and of the fact that Christ is all and in all. He is my hope, He is my joy, He is my salvation, He is my love, He is my redeemer, He is my friend, He is my father, He is my reward, He is my portion, He is my all. He is strength, He is peace, He is patience and perseverance. He is everything. “it is Your beautiful face i am waiting for, praying for, yearning for, wanting more of.” this is becoming my cry and i am so excited to find my life in Christ.

so, that’s a quick update from the west coast. i hope things are going well back home, and i’m praying for you from this side of the world. : ) thanks for your prayers and your support and your friendship!

blessings!

kara

good friends

2007-01-06T20:22:00.000-05:00

my girls!

all da girls.....and baby tindor (in the womb). hey caleb! what's up baby? smooches from aunty Kara!!!

ack! and panic sets in. :)

2007-01-06T19:59:00.000-05:00

so i'm pretty much all packed. not going to lie. and my countdown says that i have only 10 hours until i leave for chico. yikes. it's all setting in so fast. . .big finish Kara!

i'm just chilling. here with the padres and the sestra and brat (not brat like screaming spoiled child, but brat in bosnian, which means brother). putting the last minute touches on my luggage, cleaning my room, trying to make sure i have done everything i was supposed to.

last night was a huge blessing. my girls (Ton, Bethany, Shannon, and Marjorie) took me out for dinner. they blindfolded me leaving the house, after forcing me to dress up and wear a skirt (oh horrors!),

and took 30 minutes driving around randomly to get somewhere 13 minutes from my house. they are too good to me. then, we watched the new Pride and Prejudice. ooooooooooooooh. it's GOOOOOD (see my serious eyes in your mind's eye). halfway through Marjorie, Bethany, and Shannon went out for coffee for us all and T helped me roll some things for my suitcase. then we reconvened, finished the movie, and proceeded to have fun late into the night.

i love these girls! they really made last night fun.

so today i spent packing, weighing suitcases, unpacking, repacking, and weighing more and different suitcases. i think that i'm set to go. i'm about to go upstairs and clean my room and get it ready for me. . .absense. that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but so be it. i'm super tired! and will be waking up early, my flight leaves at 6 am.

well i guess that's all for the night, next time you here from me i will be in (hopefully) sunny Chico California!

peace! (to you and me. . .)

kara

last days

2007-01-03T23:06:00.000-05:00

wow. wednesday of leaving week is here already. i guess this week has gone by super fast because of all the fun family activities we've had. . .they've taken my mind totally off of the fact that i'm leaving shortly. hmm.

so i officially quit kroger, i went in to work today so i can get vacation pay. gotta love vacation pay. :) apparently the social security office thinks that i am a man, so i have to go and fix that tomorrow. i'm definitely a female. go uncle sam.

said goodbye to my MHers and the other youth leaders today, that was sad. maggie: i miss you already! that's the last big thing this week for me, besides the actual leaving.

if i could offer life advice to anyone, i guess i'd say: (1) don't waste time, God's or yours, and (2) give it everything you've got. i have wasted a lot of time over the past 20 years focusing on what God was going to do in the future as opposed to what He was doing in the present. i regret being unfocused, divided. i hope that in the future my heart is undividedly Christ's. i was then thinking about how that kind of life takes perpetual surrender. giving it all you've got. really intentionally putting heart and soul into following Christ, into taking the same road He takes and walking in communion with Him on it. i hope that that is the kind of life i lead for the rest of my life. we've only just begun! so let me recount Hosea 6.3, one of my favorite verses:

"So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn; and He will come to us like the rain, like the spring rain watering the earth."

may we press ever onward to the call of Christ Jesus! Glory to God in the highest, especially in these last days. talk to you all soon. . .

like old times.

2006-12-29T21:54:00.000-05:00

i was sitting in the big room, with marjorie!, aleen!, josiah!, and jonathan!, when micah! runs in and attacks jonathan. they do the rough and tumble stuff like they used to, like they haven't for at least a year and a half. it's like old times.

i love it. all my brothers are home, and my sisters are all together again. time for new bondings, old memories, lots of laughs, conversation, and good food. one thing i realize? we're really, REALLY, loud. and. . . it's absolutely incredible. i'm grateful for family, and friendships within family, and time to spend together. thanks Jesus!

we haven't all been together for over a year, and won't all be together for at least another 5 months, and this is the last time without baby Tindor being present (outside of the womb). in a lot of ways, this is a special weekend. happiness overtakes me!

i hope your weekends are as fabulous as mine is sure to be.

blessings.

kara

The Theology of Glory

2006-12-21T15:58:00.000-05:00

This is part of an interview i encountered online at www.boundless.org in this week's postings. if you haven't yet explored boundless i would encourage you to do so. it's just a pretty helpful resource on some interesting topics. i don't endorse everything they teach, but backed by Focus on the Family, it is fairly-reliable biblically. we should still test everything and only hold onto that which is good. i always need reminded of that.

anyways, this was cool for me to read. i enjoyed it, and hope that you do too!

for the official article online, click here. or, just read on. : )

A Theology of Grandeur

Charlie Jarvis: The theology of the United States and Evangelicalism is increasingly personalistic, familiaristic, friendship oriented, and what's missing is the Grandeur of the Lord. When you're missing the Grandeur of the Lord, what you ultimately look for are human relationships to give you the kinds of stability that you should only find in your identity with the Lord.

A "theology of grandeur" is built on the idea of "kabod," which is the Hebrew concept of "the crushing, heaviness of God and His Character." He is other than we are, and whenever someone comes into communication with Him directly, they fall on their knees.

In the theology of America, people are not falling on their knees; they're calling Jesus "my best friend" or they're finding Him to be a solution to some mundane problem, rather than having this overwhelming sense that Isaiah had when he was before the Lord of Hosts, when even God's identity as the "Lord of Hosts" was crushing in its weightiness. That's why every time someone impinges upon a Christophany [an appearance of the Messiah in the Old Testament], prior to Jesus coming as a child in Bethlehem, they are driven to their knees, and what's revealed is the Glory of the Lord.

What's fascinating is when Jesus is born in Bethlehem, the shepherds come running to tell the story of what had happened, and the Scriptures says that the Glory of the Lord shown around about them, and they were "sore afraid." They were so afraid they were sore is the way I like to think of it. In other words, they were deeply overwhelmed.

If you don't have a theology of grandeur, what you're going to be looking for in life are practical hints and techniques. You're going to look for what is typical of America, which is a theology of technology in which techniques bring happiness and order to your life. I'm not saying that technology and techniques in life aren't important. I'm just saying what people do is they replace the theology of glory with the theology of techniques and technology. That is, you have three steps to get a person to Christ, you have five steps to become a happy person, or you have 10 steps to get rid of whatever is plaguing you emotionally.

Boundless: What is the Church doing specifically to enable this loss of Grandeur?

Charlie Jarvis: Well, it's interesting. Because you look at the United States and the influence of the Church here today, and then you contrast that with the influence of the Church 225 years ago when it was at the core of society. It was defining outward from itself the reality of what life is, what's good and what's evil, what's acceptable and what's unacceptable, all of that. And in the last two centuries, what you have is the Church becoming more and more retreatist, in the face of scientism in the 19th century, of evolutionism in the 19th century and in this century technologyism. What you see are people basically becoming overwhelmed with a sense of what's around them and where things are going.

Simultaneous with that, you have a theology of escapism. The early Church prayed "Maranatha, come Lord Jesus" when they were nobodies. They prayed Maranatha and they took over the world within a few centuries. Since the 19th century, the Church in American prays Maranatha but then gives up every single area of authority in life.

Now that's not a blessing, that's a curse. What that is, literally, is ichabod. In the Scriptures, you will remember, that when the Lord leaves the temple, it says He pronounces ichabod. The word "kabod" is "glory;" "ichabod" means "the glory is departed." The glory has left. And what we've seen in this country is a gradual leaving of the glory from the Church. Now what are left are well-tested techniques and technologies of relationships and evangelism and that sort of thing. But what's missing is the core of purpose, which is the theology of the grandeur of God.

Boundless: Isn't it true, too, that the techniques are transient. People can treat them like New Year's resolutions, where they say, well, those techniques didn't work for me. I'll try something else.

Charlie Jarvis: And they go from book to book to book. There's never been a point in American history when there have been so many Christian books, magazines, albums, seminars, conferences, and even Christian churches for goodness sake, and yet never has the Church been less influential in the deepest and most profound sense of the word.

A Theology of Purpose

The second area of theology that's missing in America is what I would call a theology of purpose. What's our purpose? That's the question everyone should be asking. But if you have a very small view of the grandeur of God, you're going to end up with a theology of purpose that's driven by techniques; a Christian technology, or technique-orientated philosophy. If you're missing the core of the purpose of everything, which is that the kabod of God dwells in the midst of His people and reveals His Glory, you don't realize that in Him you have life.

Corinthians says that, "The god of this world has blinded the eyes of the unbelieving." What has he blinded them to? What's his purpose? "So that they might not see the light of the Gospel of the Glory of Christ." To this Paul adds, "Christ, Who is our life, when He appears, we shall appear with Him as well." Together, God is saying, "Look, I want to reveal my Glory through you." That's the theology of purpose.

So you start to realize it's not enough to look for three steps to that and five phases to that and six insights to that. "The purpose is to know God," Paul says, "and the power of His Resurrection." The Greek word for power here is dunatos and dunamous — the root word from which we get dynamite. What I read here is that when His resurrection authority is communicated to us through His glory, it means we're going to be exploded. All of our preconceptions will be exploded.

Why is it when Isaiah meets the Lord face-to-face in the temple, he says, "I'm undone"? I mean we're worshipping in church, and we say, "Wow, isn't He something?" Isaiah sees the glory of the Lord, and he says, "I am undone! I'm overwhelmed. I am falling apart at the seams, because I've seen the Lord of Hosts." Worshipping the Lord should lead to that kind of understanding. To cause us to say, "I am in awe of Him."

A Theology of Legacy

So if you're missing a theology of glory, and you're missing a theology of purpose, you're going to miss a theology of legacy, which is, "Why am I here for goodness sake?" I'm not here just for me. I'm here because He wants me to create a legacy where the glory dwells in the midst of His people.

So if you don't have a theology of grandeur of God, you're going to miss the purpose of God, which is that Grandeur is supposed to be worked out in us. There's something to be so special about us that people look at it, and they go "Oh, whoa; this is very, very different from anything I see all around me everyday. This is unique." They are so peaceful. As they are burned on those stakes they die with an outstanding dignity. And so you have centurions who witnessed these deaths who are driven towards the mercy of Christ.

Who is it, then, that starts the hospitals? Who is it that takes the kids who've been abandoned under the bridges? It's the Church. Who is it that takes the sick and the dying? It's the Church. Who is it that ministers to the poor? Not just ministers in some vague way, but actually begins to inform them about their lofty purpose in their identity with glory, Who is Christ, right?

The whole passage of the shepherds was about glory. God had pronounced ichabod — His glory was gone. But at Christ's birth, glory was back. He was back in the world. He was blessing us with His presence. Kabod was here among us. Who is He? He's Emmanuel. God with us. What does that mean? The glory is with us again.

The Hound of Heaven -- Francis Thompson

2006-12-19T22:41:00.000-05:00

I fled Him down the nights and down the days
I fled Him down the arches of the years
I fled Him down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind, and in the midst of tears
I hid from him, and under running laughter.
Up vistaed hopes I sped and shot precipitated
Adown titanic glooms of chasme d hears
From those strong feet that followed, followed after
But with unhurrying chase and unperturbe d pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
They beat, and a Voice beat,
More instant than the feet:
All things betray thee who betrayest me.

I pleaded, outlaw--wise by many a hearted casement,
curtained red, trellised with inter-twining charities,
For though I knew His love who followe d,
Yet was I sore adread, lest having Him,
I should have nought beside.
But if one little casement parted wide,
The gust of his approach would clash it to.
Fear wist not to evade as Love wist to pursue.
Across the margent of the world I fled,
And troubled the gold gateways of the stars,
Smiting for shelter on their clange d bars,
Fretted to dulcet jars and silvern chatter
The pale ports of the moon.

I said to Dawn --- be sudden, to Eve --- be soon,
With thy young skiey blossoms heap me over
From this tremendous Lover.
Float thy vague veil about me lest He see.
I tempted all His servitors but to find
My own betrayal in their constancy,
In faith to Him, their fickleness to me,
Their traitorous trueness and their loyal deceit.
To all swift things for swiftness did I sue,
Clung to the whistling mane of every wind,
But whether they swept, smoothly fleet,
The long savannahs of the blue,
Or whether, thunder-driven,
They clanged His chariot thwart a heaven,
Plashy with flying lightnings round the spurn of their feet,
Fear wist not to evade as Love wist to pursue.
Still with unhurrying chase and unperturbed pace
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
Came on the following feet, and a Voice above their beat:
Nought shelters thee who wilt not shelter Me.

I sought no more that after which I strayed
In face of Man or Maid.
But still within the little childrens' eyes
Seems something, something that replies,
They at least are for me, surely for me.
But just as their young eyes grew sudden fair,
With dawning answers there,
Their angel plucked them from me by the hair.
Come then, ye other children, Nature's
Share with me, said I, your delicate fellowship.
Let me greet you lip to lip,
Let me twine with you caresses,
Wantoning with our Lady Mother's vagrant tresses,
Banqueting with her in her wind walled palace,
Underneath her azured dai:s,
Quaffing, as your taintless way is,
From a chalice, lucent weeping out of the dayspring.

So it was done.
I in their delicate fellowship was one.
Drew the bolt of Nature's secrecies,
I knew all the swift importings on the wilful face of skies,
I knew how the clouds arise,
Spume d of the wild sea-snortings.
All that's born or dies,
Rose and drooped with,
Made them shapers of mine own moods, or wailful, or Divine.
With them joyed and was bereaven.
I was heavy with the Even,
when she lit her glimmering tapers round the day's dead sanctities.
I laughed in the morning's eyes.
I triumphed and I saddened with all weather,
Heaven and I wept together,
and its sweet tears were salt with mortal mine.
Against the red throb of its sunset heart,
I laid my own to beat
And share commingling heat.

But not by that, by that was eased my human smart.
In vain my tears were wet on Heaven's grey cheek.
For ah! we know what each other says,
these things and I; In sound I speak,
Their sound is but their stir, they speak by silences.
Nature, poor step-dame, cannot slake my drouth.
Let her, if she would owe me
Drop yon blue-bosomed veil of sky
And show me the breasts o' her tenderness.
Never did any milk of hers once bless my thirsting mouth.
Nigh and nigh draws the chase, with unperturbe d pace
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
And past those noise d feet, a Voice comes yet more fleet:
Lo, nought contentst thee who content'st nought Me.

Naked, I wait thy Love's uplifted stroke. My harness, piece by piece,
thou'st hewn from me
And smitten me to my knee,
I am defenceless, utterly.
I slept methinks, and awoke.
And slowly gazing, find me stripped in sleep.
In the rash lustihead of my young powers,
I shook the pillaring hours,
and pulled my life upon me.
Grimed with smears,
I stand amidst the dust o' the mounded years--
My mangled youth lies dead beneath the heap.
My days have crackled and gone up in smoke,
Have puffed and burst like sunstarts on a stream.
Yeah, faileth now even dream the dreamer
and the lute, the lutanist.
Even the linked fantasies in whose blossomy twist,
I swung the Earth, a trinket at my wrist,
Have yielded, cords of all too weak account,
For Earth, with heavy grief so overplussed.
Ah! is thy Love indeed a weed,
albeit an Amaranthine weed,
Suffering no flowers except its own to mount?
Ah! must, Designer Infinite,
Ah! must thou char the wood 'ere thou canst limn with it ?
My freshness spent its wavering shower i' the dust.
And now my heart is as a broken fount,
Wherein tear-drippings stagnate, spilt down ever
From the dank thoughts that shiver upon the sighful branches of my
mind.

Such is. What is to be ?
The pulp so bitter, how shall taste the rind ?
I dimly guess what Time in mists confounds,
Yet ever and anon, a trumpet sounds
From the hid battlements of Eternity.
Those shaken mists a space unsettle,
Then round the half-glimpse d turrets, slowly wash again.
But not 'ere Him who summoneth
I first have seen, enwound
With glooming robes purpureal; Cypress crowned.
His name I know, and what his trumpet saith.
Whether Man's Heart or Life it be that yield thee harvest,
Must thy harvest fields be dunged with rotten death ?

Now of that long pursuit,
Comes at hand the bruit.
That Voice is round me like a bursting Sea:
And is thy Earth so marred,
Shattered in shard on shard?
Lo, all things fly thee, for thou fliest me.
Strange, piteous, futile thing;
Wherefore should any set thee love apart?
Seeing none but I makes much of Naught (He said).
And human love needs human meriting ---
How hast thou merited,
Of all Man's clotted clay, the dingiest clot.
Alack! Thou knowest not
How little worthy of any love thou art.
Whom wilt thou find to love ignoble thee,
Save me, save only me?
All which I took from thee, I did'st but take,
Not for thy harms,
But just that thou might'st seek it in my arms.
All which thy childs mistake fancies as lost,
I have stored for thee at Home.
Rise, clasp my hand, and come.
Halts by me that Footfall.
Is my gloom, after all,
Shade of His hand, outstretched caressingly?
Ah, Fondest, Blindest, Weakest,
I am He whom thou seekest.
Thou dravest Love from thee who dravest Me.

-- i’m getting ready to let You be everything. --

things need to be said

2006-12-18T11:35:00.000-05:00

another morning dawns. finally one where waking is sweet and sleeping has resulted in a state of well-restedness. and it’s a day off, too. bonus. writing calls because it’s been over a week since there was a new post. is busyness too overwhelming to leave ample time to write? maybe. is it that there is nothing to say? not really. . .. could it be that laziness is setting in? that’s probably it. who’s to say?

this morning was weird because everyone around was falling apart but it didn’t hit my door. nothing new here. except that there’s 19 days left till leaving. maybe the destruction will find me soon and result in some more falling apart.

everyone keeps asking me about my excitement level. “Kara, are you excited?” sure. then there’s this awkward silence so out come all the nervous feelings about leaving for YWAM: how i’m excited but super scared and a little anxious. then they look at me like my words are abnormal or something. it’s weird. then they encourage me, which is great because i always like encouragement, but it feels like i was forced into expressing frustration that i wasn’t passionately feeling and then receiving encouragement that i have known intimately already. so it all seems pointless.

the truth? i don’t often feel overwhelmed with fright over this. sometimes, but not often. i still don’t walk around in a state of freaking because my life changes drastically in 19 days. it’s easier for me to just not think about leaving and at this point i don’t really have to think about it. i’m excited, but not passionately. i’m scared, but not overwhelmed. perhaps:

“i am pressed but not perplexed, persecuted, not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. i am blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure that His joy is going to be my strength.” it’s all rather peaceful right now.

so if you ask me if i’m excited i’ll say yes. i won’t expound, unless you keep looking at me like i need to. : ) i just don’t have that much to say! sorry.

in other news, i have this week as my last at Kroger. it'll be nice to not be working after Christmas Eve. the time off will be crazy but hopefully relaxing. it's all coming down to the wire! truthfully, i don't even know how i feel about leaving for YWAM. that's probably the reason for the awkward silences when people ask. there just aren't words yet to describe it. i'll let you know when there are.

oh, and there should be snow. like, now. i'm just saying.

things that always need to be said? God is all. the nearness of God is our good. let us press on to know Him, let us press hard into Him: surely at the coming of the Lord, He will respond. i need to be reminded of the weight of His glory, and the breadth of His immenseness. because THAT changes everything. love came down at Christmas. . .the Love of God to man. Jesus Christ is Love incarnate, and the restoration that our souls long for. let's look for God, ask to see Him, and be changed.

merry Christmas.